Posted by fejumas on Apr 24, 2012 in Public | 6 comments
The Genome Project
I like it. Concise and to the point. Good job.
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Also like it. Great logline, gives me a clear idea of the protagonist, inciting incident and the antagonist.
One thing. Is the girl’s goal just to harness and control her new power? Or is there something else that she’s going to use the power for?
eg. save the world, become school president, find her missing parents, win the soccer world cup….(you get the idea!)
If you do have a wider goal for her, I think you should include it in the logline.
“An awkward 16-year old, who discovers that she has developed super-strength, must harness and control her new power while evading a covert agency eager to exploit her.”
Good, but not yet great, IMO. I think you can cut down on the amount of words for saying “who discovers that she has developed super strength” by simply saying “with super strength powers” or “with the power of super strength” (actually the phrase “super-strength” can be jazzed up more to make it less cliche). By reducing the number of words for a phrase, and getting the same idea across, you are freeing up that “Prime Real Estate” in logline territory that I’m always harping about.
Another suggestion: “eager to exploit her”. This sounds like it could be the hook of the story. I doubt it just the standard “person-with-super-powers-running-from-the-government-wanting-to-study-and-use-their-powers-for-global-domination-purposes”, otherwise you’re talking about just about every “super hero” back story ever written. My guess is that you HAVE a very specific exploitation story, one that separates it from the others. If so, I would definitely highlight it in the logline. Remember- one shot to impress, one shot to get them to turn to page one.
Just my thoughts…
Damn, Geno. You’re a tough taskmaster :/
And no, there is no global domination to be found. Only a pinch of eugenics, a dash of genetic manipulation and a sprinkling of the reluctant hero(ine).
I like the story line and tend to agree a bit with sharkeatingman. Trimming up some of “the fat” would give it a better flow. But hey I’m new at this and here to lawn as well.
I mean LEARN – my lawn is irrelevant.
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