A bounty hunter arriving from an alternate reality holds bar patrons hostage in order to trap a fugitive killer but soon discovers one of the hostages may be more dangerous than the expected fugitive.
Hate to recycle what I’ve said before, kbfilmworks, but this version seems to be the setup, not the plot. The plot is about what he does — must do — after the unexpected happens.
I don’t know if you’ve done a draft, but as I imagine it, “…soon discovers one of the hostages may be more dangerous than the expected fugitive.” would occur around page 30 or so. It seems to be the event that pivots the story in a new direction, on a new trajectory that would constitute the rest of the story. In that case, everything before that moment would be setup.
I think it’s difficult when commenting on a logline to separate the feeling of natural curiosity about a story or concept and wanting to know more – on the one hand – and thinking that the logline offers insufficient detail.
That’s not to say I disagree with dpg’s comments about the logline only addresssing the setup. He’s right. The problem with continually re-writing a logline is being blinded to the forest by the trees. And then with each additional comment – often about story or concept – the detail increases until the logline becomes cluttered and ineffective.
My personal approach when commenting on other writer’s efforts is to attempt to rewrite the logline – with added sizzle (dpg’s word) – on the basis of the original logline without seeking additional info. Is this more useful than seeking additional info? Maybe we could discuss it.
“A bounty hunter arriving from an alternate reality holds bar patrons hostage in order to trap a fugitive but when a killer able to manipulate time and reality shows up, the hunter becomes the hunted”.
I have had this question for a while. Why would the killer care about the hostages?
If you are looking to reduce words “arriving” could be dropped. The “alternate reality” covers arrival.
I think everyone is coming from the same point. It is a great scenario, but why are we here watching these people? I know it is in the story. Can you get the essence of why into the logline?
I once read the Titanic logline, it was something like “a girl from high society trying to escape her controlling fiancé falls in love with a penny less artist on board Titanic”.
All focused on something to care about.