A brilliant but daring high school senior creates a multi-million dollar video game by stealing the concept from a big-time CEO.

    fof101 Penpusher Asked on November 8, 2015 in Drama.
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    5 Review(s)

      Every word counts in a logline.

      When the logline describes the MC as “…brilliant but daring…” it implies that brilliant and daring do not have a logical connection between them, BUT, brilliant can logically mean daring. Point is remove the word “…but…” and let brilliant be enhanced by the character also being daring.

      More to the point the logline fails to describe a plot, as such it doesn’t explain what the story is.

      What specifically is the main character’s goal? And what starts off his pursuit of said goal?
      These questions need to be answered in the next draft of the logline.

      Hope this helps.

      Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on November 8, 2015.

      This does help a lot, thanks!

      on November 8, 2015.
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        As Nir Shelter said.

        The logline sets up a situation for  a  potentially interesting plot, but it doesn’t describe the plot itself.  That is, it doesn’t describe what happens after he steals the concept  for  the video game.  Obviously, the CEO isn’t going to let him get away with it.  He’s going to retaliate, isn’t he?  How?  Doesn’t the kid’s problems, hence the plot, begin after he steals the concept?

        dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 8, 2015.

        Thanks- this does help a lot, I’m loving the feedback! Currently at work on draft 2 of the logline so I’ll be sure to keep you all posted!

        on November 8, 2015.
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          I’m a programmer so this is something very interesting to me.

          I like the concept. It’s something that I’d be interested to watch.

          bamgomes Logliner Reviewed on November 8, 2015.

          Glad you’re interested! I appreciate it. The idea came to me based off my programming and game developing days in high school: so it’s great to know it’s of interest from the programmer demographic!

          on November 8, 2015.
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            One question your logline (and script) will have to confront is:  “How is this fictional story not just different, but as cool and compelling as the real life story of ‘The Social Network’, the real life story of a real life character, Mark Zuckerberg, who stole the concept for Facebook?” Logline and script readers  will inevitably compare this story to Aaron Sorkin’s — a tough act to follow.

            dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 9, 2015.
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