A brilliant but daring high school senior creates a multi-million dollar video game by stealing the concept from a big-time CEO.
Every word counts in a logline.
When the logline describes the MC as “…brilliant but daring…” it implies that brilliant and daring do not have a logical connection between them, BUT, brilliant can logically mean daring. Point is remove the word “…but…” and let brilliant be enhanced by the character also being daring.
More to the point the logline fails to describe a plot, as such it doesn’t explain what the story is.
What specifically is the main character’s goal? And what starts off his pursuit of said goal?
These questions need to be answered in the next draft of the logline.
Hope this helps.
As Nir Shelter said.
The logline sets up a situation for a potentially interesting plot, but it doesn’t describe the plot itself. That is, it doesn’t describe what happens after he steals the concept for the video game. Obviously, the CEO isn’t going to let him get away with it. He’s going to retaliate, isn’t he? How? Doesn’t the kid’s problems, hence the plot, begin after he steals the concept?
One question your logline (and script) will have to confront is: “How is this fictional story not just different, but as cool and compelling as the real life story of ‘The Social Network’, the real life story of a real life character, Mark Zuckerberg, who stole the concept for Facebook?” Logline and script readers will inevitably compare this story to Aaron Sorkin’s — a tough act to follow.
I know that a lot of people won’t agree with me on what I’m about to say, but for me a logline has to say what the movie is about and make people interested enough to watch the movie and see how the story goes.
So what is your movie about? What I got from your logline is that it’s about a high school student who steals the concept for a video game from some big-time CEO and makes millions out of it.
I don’t think it has to say what happens next and what the CEO does to the kid. If people want to find out then they have to watch the movie.
For me the logline works and got me interested in watching the movie to find out what happens to the kid.
The impression that I have is that people want to know the entire story just by reading the logline. If we get to know the whole story just by reading the logline then why would we see the movie if we already know what’s going to happen?
That’s just my opinion.
By the way here’s the logline of “The Social Network”:
Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg creates the social networking site that would become known as Facebook, but is later sued by two brothers who claimed he stole their idea, and the cofounder who was later squeezed out of the business.