A cold and withdrawn assassin, who uses her apocalyptic visions of the future to hunt targets in the present before they become a threat, finds herself hunted by a deadly, yet emotionally unstable, foe, and, in her bid to survive, she uncovers a future she never could have foreseen.

Knightrider Mentor Asked on October 2, 2015 in Thriller.
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4 Review(s)

Psychic assassin would do. “in the present” is unnecessary. ┬áSince it’s an enemy, the assumption would be they mean to do the hero harm, so “deadly” is unnecessary. “uncovers a future she never could have foreseen” is too wordy and belongs more on a movie poster than as part of a logline.

Without knowing what you story actually is, there’s not much else I can offer as suggestions.

Lucius Paisley Logliner Reviewed on October 2, 2015.
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Hello,

it’s a little heavy as a reading, I suggest to make it shorter, one adjective only for the main character and the opponent maybe.
I’m not an english native but I didn’t know what a foe is… maybe there’s a better word to identify the opponent?

I’m not entirely happy with the ending, I’m not sure what I feel about it. It interests me because there is irony (someone who see the future who fail to understand one specific future – her own?). Usually I don’t like when a logline promises something (instead of telling things straight) but this thim it worked for me, I become curious. But, if you don’t have a big reveil in the movie, I’ll be highly disappointed. Theese are my personal feelings ­čÖé

FFF Mentor Reviewed on October 2, 2015.
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Hello Knightrider,

This concept  has a great potential. Your hero is both Sarah Connors and Kyle Reese, and your plot has something original in relation to Terminator. Try something like this:

“When finding herself hunted by a deadly foe, a cold assassin using her apocalyptic visions to eliminate potential threats uncovers a future she couldn’t foresee.”

Best.

JM

Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat Samurai Reviewed on October 5, 2015.
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The lack of plot specific details and abundance of words make this logline for a difficult read.

Perhaps try re drafting the logline and include only the main character description of her character flaw, her inciting incident and goal.
Then if there is room to spare add in additional information.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on October 6, 2015.
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