A female bounty hunter who hallucinates slices of the future saves a man’s life in order to collect the bounty on his violent time-travelling future self.
I like the concept. Can’t complain about the length, 28 words. “Hallucinates slices of the future” is (necessary) hocus-pocus, I guess, but I have no idea what that means. No matter, the core of the concept, capturing someone now to collect a bounty that won’t exist until the future, overrides that question in my mind. I would put it in the parking lot, wait to read the script.
I’m just a bit confused about the focus of the concept. Is the story, the bulk of the plot, about her struggle to save his life in order to collect the bounty? Or is the story about what happens after she saves him?
As mentioned before it is confusing where the focus of the story lies.
What is the inciting incident? Is it when she saves his life? In that case I would write somthing like: “When a female bounty hunter who can see the future saves a mans life, she must (do something) to collect the bounty of his future self”.
If the inciting incident is when she finds out about the mans future self and the life-saving part is the main action, I would write something like: “When a female bounty hunter who can see the future finds out that a man who will be worth a fortune in the future is about to get killed, she must save his life in order to collect the future bounty”.
Of course these loglines is not perfect, but I hope they help demonstrating my point 🙂
Another thing: I think it would be a more interesting logline if you gave the main character a flaw that she needs to overcome. And possibly a stake, what will happen if she doesn’t succed?
I really like the concept though! Hope some of my tips were helpful 🙂
Thanks, dpg. I don’t want to use the word ‘precognitive’ cos it’s not in common usage so ‘hallucinates slices of the future’ is what I’m working with at the moment. What she does is ‘see flashes of the future’ but I like hallucinates better because it indicates it’s a special ability which is outside her control.
The story is about what happens after she saves him and also explores the relationship between the innocent younger self and the violent future self that needs the help of his younger self to stay alive.
So, the action plot is about the bounty hunter using the younger self as bait to trap the future self who also has a special ability. And, the emotional storyline is about the younger self and future self’s interactions as the younger guy tries to resolve his dilemma: letting his future self die means he limits his own lifespan but it’s no easier accepting that he lives on to become a killer.