A hard-boiled bank auditor struggles to outwit a colleague and onetime master thief bent on sinking the bank for perceived negligence that wrongfully landed him in jail.

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Ekanem

Chidi Ezeibieli Logliner Asked on November 19, 2015 in Thriller.
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5 Review(s)
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What is the event that makes the main character need to save her job? This event is what will set her off on her journey, and therefore, it’s vital to the story.

The event needs to be significant enough to push a character to take extreme actions, and must also connect with the goal in a cause and effect relationship. In addition the goal is unclear, as “…outwit…” is a generic description which lacks detail. What SPECIFICALLY must she do, in order to outwit the bad guy? Technically speaking, most main characters outwit the bad guys in their stories, so without detailing a unique action  the plot is vague.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on November 21, 2015.
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In this logline you have a protag and an antag. But for me it’s hard to figure out who’s  “really”the bad guy here. I don’t feel it’s ‘good’ against ‘evil’. Also  if the hard-boiled bank auditor is the protag, you’re burying the lead. You should not end with describing what happened to the antag. But I guess all elements the logline needs are in there, just not in the right order.

Rutger Oosterhoff Samurai Reviewed on November 19, 2015.

A hard-boiled bank auditor struggles to outwit a disgruntled colleague and onetime master thief bent on sinking the bank.

on November 19, 2015.
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The second draft of the logline still fails to describe a plot.

What does the MC actually want to achieve? In specific terms, what are the details that will make up his success in out-witting the bad guy?

The problem is you are describing the main action the main character takes as a struggle, but as this is entirely generic it befits the description of most main characters in most stories. What could make this story interesting, is the specific detail of this specific action that this specific MC will take.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on November 20, 2015.
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To save her job, a troubled bank auditor must outwit a disgruntled colleague and onetime master thief bent on sinking the bank.

Chidi Ezeibieli Logliner Reviewed on November 20, 2015.
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In the dawn of e-banking in Nigeria, a troubled and technophobic bank auditor struggles to keep her job but must thwart the sinister plans of a disgruntled colleague and onetime master thief bent on sinking the bank.

Chidi Ezeibieli Logliner Reviewed on November 23, 2015.
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