A lifelong wimp must learn to finally stand up for himself when his son is bullied by a mean boy with an even meaner dad.

steveylang Samurai Asked on September 28, 2015 in Comedy.
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2 Review(s)

This is quite good but I think you need to make it more specific. We’ve got our protagonist, the lifelong wimp and to a lesser extent his son. We’ve got our antagonist, the mean boy and his mean dad, but the goal is simply “stand up for himself”. Can you not make that more specific? What is the action that the dad has to take?

Also why is the protagonist, the dad and not the son? Why are we following the dad’s viewpoint of this story?

What is the inciting incident? Why can’t the lifelong wimp of a dad continue to be a wimp? How is he challenged at the beginning of the story to start being brave?

priggy Logliner Reviewed on September 28, 2015.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I completely agree with your first part, there needs to be some sort of main plot line involved.

I sorta see the father and son as 1A and 1B. I think a story about a kid getting picked on is pretty commonplace, so I wanted to tweak it a bit with the dad’s story.

I thought (or had thought) the answer to your last question was implicit in the logline- he has been a lifelong wimp, but when he sees his son is being picked on, it forces him to take a stand- it’s one thing to be willing to eat your pride when you are the one suffering, but a totally different thing when it’s your child.

Cheers!

on September 29, 2015.

I thought that he might see his son being bullied & that was the inciting incident, but didn’t want to assume. You have your inciting incident right there so use it in the logline.

When a lifelong wimp watches his son being bullied, he decides to learn how to stand up for himself in order to teach his kid, how to deal with the bully and the bully’s dad.

on September 29, 2015.
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I like this and I think it’s very relevant.  I agree with being more specific.  The words “must learn” don’t really convey action.  I find myself wondering things like does he take karate lessons alongside his kid?   It’s also a comedy, so I would punch it up and let us see the comedy playing out in our heads.  If someone doesn’t know it’s a comedy, they should be able to get that from the logline and almost laugh or smile just from the premise.  It makes me think of the premise for Liar Liar – the logline wouldn’t state that “a dad must learn not to lie”, instead it makes sure we know the dad is a lawyer who must go a full day without lying and that in itself makes us smile because it begins to play out in our heads.

sloanpeterson Logliner Reviewed on September 30, 2015.

Thanks for the compliment and suggestion. You are definitely right- I have an idea, but not a really plot, Liar Liar is a good example (I had forgotten it actually involved his son.) This is actually as far as I’ve gotten so far, so need to flesh it out now!

on September 30, 2015.
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