A lowly bartender planning her upcoming marriage has her Celebrity Free Pass, the one famous person she can sleep with without any consequences from her partner, walk into her bar, creating a world of problems for herself when she accepts his advances.

Free Pass

SDMann Penpusher Asked on August 8, 2013 in Public.
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7 Review(s)

Hi,

I’ve had a bash at condensing the story. I’m sure this isn’t how you want it to read but gives an idea of how it could be shortened. I like the premise but the logline is just a bit long and difficult to read as it currently stands.

A bartender is given approval to sleep with a Hollywood super star by her fiance only to find her life comes crashing down following the affair.

Good luck

wilsondownunder Default Reviewed on August 8, 2013.
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Hi thanks a lot for the response. Yeah it’s lengthy because I thought I would have to briefly define the Free Pass and also that this was a celebrity already established to be her free pass. Additionally, part of the drama comes her trying to hide it from her fiancee initially, so she wouldn’t immediately be honest about what is going on. Maybe, ‘An engaged bartender meets the man who is her Celebrity Free Pass but her life spirals out of control when she secretly accepts his advances’? Any ideas on this would be much appreciated. Thanks again..

SDMann Penpusher Reviewed on August 8, 2013.
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Hi,

I think just saying Celebrity Free Pass still doesn’t define it, unless the reader already knows what it is it may still not be clear.

Hmmm, it’s a tricky one.

When a bartender meets the one celebrity her fiancé has given her permission to sleep with, she secretly accepts his advances, causing her life to spiral out of control.

wilsondownunder Default Reviewed on August 8, 2013.
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Why not double the fun, double the possibilities? Have both get involved in Celebrity Free Pass flings. Double the complications ensue.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on August 9, 2013.
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So it’s basically like the movie “Hall Pass” from 2011, but with a celebrity instead of just random women?

My problem with your logline is that it’s WAY too long, and spends all its time setting up what appears to be nothing more than the first act, am I right? Condense it to something like:

“After cheating on her fiance with her celebrity crush, …”

Then what happens? What is the goal, what action does the protagonist take, who is the antagonist, and what is the protagonist’s flaw? I guess the stakes – her relationship with her fiance – are implied.

I know you think that your hook is the idea of the celebrity crush that you’re allowed to sleep with if you ever meet, and that’s gonna be fun stuff to have in the film, but as far as a logline is concerned we don’t need all that information. That’s not what’s going to get someone to invest in your movie, and that’s not what’s going to get someone into the theatre having bought a ticket.

I don’t love the title, but that’s more personal opinion.

nicholasandrewhalls Samurai Reviewed on August 9, 2013.
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