A man awaits the arrival of a violent time-travelling version of himself from 10 years in the future. After he is ‘killed’ by a female undercover cop determined to stop him from breaking bar, he is ‘saved’ by a female bounty hunter who hallucinates slices of the future and is determined to collect the bounty on his badass future self.

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kbfilmworks Samurai Asked on September 28, 2015 in SciFi.
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I love it!

Great high concept. But you’ll need to simplify the logline…

The goal (or 2nd act action) is wrapped in the final part of the logline: “is determined to collect the bounty on his badass future self”.

I would give this more prominence, and make it more active “is determined” feels weak. We usually use “must” in a logline, as it is a lot stronger.

In summary:

Simplify the setup, and give more prominance to the 2nd act action.

I hope this helps!

Cheers,

Karel

Karel Segers Samurai Reviewed on September 28, 2015.
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Many thanks, Karel. Great comment.

“Awaiting the arrival of his time-travelling future self, an innocent man is ‘killed’ by a female undercover cop and ‘saved’ by a female bounty hunter who hallucinates slices of the future and must collect the bounty on his badass future self”.

kbfilmworks Samurai Reviewed on September 28, 2015.
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How does a man await the arrival of his time-travelling future self? Surely, the present version doesn’t know when to expect his future-self because the present version doesn’t know anything about the future version.

priggy Logliner Reviewed on September 28, 2015.
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Hi priggy,

In time travel stories it’s not unusual for characters to encounter their future or past selves – in fact it’s a trope. By way of example, consider films such as: 12 Monkeys, Looper, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Men in Black 3, X-men: days of future past & Primer.

kbfilmworks Samurai Reviewed on September 28, 2015.
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Also, in the TV series Dr Who and The Hitchhikers Guide, characters have been known to talk to future or past selves via the telephone.

kbfilmworks Samurai Reviewed on September 28, 2015.

You misunderstand me, I watch sci-fi a lot and I know its common. I’ve even come up with my own logline for a time/space travelling TV show. It’s on the site. Check it out.

My problem isn’t with the two versions coming together but rather that the past self is awaiting the future self.

Its fine for example the future self to await the past self because the future self knows because the future self has already experienced it.  The past self hasn’t experienced it therefore the past self has no expectation to wait somewhere for themselves to turn up, unless they’ve already talked to each other and the future self tells past self to wait somewhere.

Perhaps I should’ve been more clear: how does the present self know where to wait for the future self? No matter how common time-travel is and how common meeting your past or future self is, within your story world, have to come to terms with how time-travel works in your storyverse. Do you need to have that worked out for the logline? No. 

The other thing is about the logline, is it seems to me to be too complex. I’m lost and confused already.

on September 28, 2015.
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