A military school cadet must be silenced when she witnesses Cuban-Americans robbing the school’s armory. When she discovers that the guns are to be used to assassinate the president, she has only minutes to stop the killers.
Witnessing the theft of weapons that are going to be used to assassinate the President of the USA. A Military school cadet has only minutes to act and save the President.
Everything else is great. And it is colour to the story. “She must be silenced” is a natural consequence of witnessing a robbery of this nature. Cuban_Americans is not needed as it is not a location (good for setting mood) and doesn’t provide motivation. In previous versions when you spoke of their motive it made more sense. So you can drop their ethnic backgorund.
In my shorter version the only question remaining, and is in all the version, how does she know how the weapons are going to be used?
The only minutes answers the question “just call the police”.
Actually being Cuban-American does provides a quite credible motivation in light of recent developments in relations between the US and Cuba.
What I don’t find credible is that “minutes” — only minutes! — before carrying out the plot, the conspirators finally get around to doing the what would absolutely be the first thing on any to-do list for an assassination: 1] Get the weapon. And get it weeks in advance of D-day.
And why don’t they already own weapons? In the US of A, it’s their god-given, constitutional right to bear arms. They can be easily bought legit or on the thriving black market. Where they could obtain far better, far more lethal weapons than in a military academy. And with less chance of their conspiracy being found out.
Either way, I, for one, can’t take as a serious threat a crew of klutzes who get the first item on the to-do list at the last possible moment and in the wrong way.
The best assassination conspiracy movie of all time is “The Day of the Jackal”. The suspense arises from the fact that the assassin is presented as a cunning, intelligent professional killer who knows his “trade”, who plans l-o-n-g in advance for every contingency. There is no doubt in the audience’s mind that he poses a very serious threat, that he has the brains, the discipline, the marksmanship skills to kill President Charles de Gaulle.
Procuring the weapon, the right weapon, to do the job is #1 on his to-do list — not the last. And he doesn’t steal it, either — he orders a custom rifle, one specially designed for the task.
And get caught by a cadet no less…
If they are caught by a cadet, how would they sneak by the secret service?
This logline seams to try and mould a premise into a possible situation but not probable, credible or believable in any way and struggling at that.
As for the logline itself if the story is about the cadet then why does the logline start off with an event that is an observation made by the antagonists and not the MC’s inciting incident?
Hope this helps.
Reviewing the several iterations of the logline, it occurs to me that the aspect of special interest to the author seems to be not the conspiracy, per se, but the protagonist — it’s a woman in a (mostly) male environment. I’m all for more strong protagonist roles for women — it’s scandalous how few there are — but I’m not sure this is a robust enough plot vehicle for such a character.