A miner investigating a vein of gold must bring his team of five back to safety when a string of seemingly paranormal occurrences drives the men to insanity.

Moles

Karel Segers Samurai Asked on July 10, 2014 in Public.
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8 Review(s)

This almost precisely describes the plot of “Armageddon”.

Think about it.
Steve Buscemi. Secret space missions for the government.
It was all in his head the whole time!!!

(Congratulations on the 2000th post)

Default Reviewed on July 10, 2014.
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Simply introducing your hero as “a miner” doesn’t give me any characteristic or character flaw that make me root for him. Other than that, great clear logline.

CamillaBeskow Default Reviewed on July 10, 2014.
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Hi Karel… Big fan of this site — insightful, helpful, addictive, great contributions from some obviously talented and intelligent folk. Huge thanks.

Now to the logline (I kinda feel like a haughty customer trying to tell a barman how to pour a beer…;) )…i

I see the potential, it has the markings of a very tense and claustrophobic ride — but I think I’d be more intrigued if I knew what the paranormal activities (well, seemingly paranormal…) actually were, also, if the team’s ‘insanity’ was more clearly defined…

How does their insanity prevent him from getting them back to the surface? Is his main action counseling them? Is he trying to round them up because they’ve gotten lost? Are they blubbering messes in the corner? Do they think they’re farm animals, or are they trying to kill each other (and him)?

And once the team have become insane, how is the paranormal activity a threat to him? As in, why isn’t he insane? …what’s the bigger threat, the paranormal activity (and what’s causing it) or the team?

Anyway, thanks again for an awesome site, and best of luck with it.

Tony Edward Samurai Reviewed on July 10, 2014.
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Nice work. The criticism is “the stakes”. What if the protagonist fails.
Why must they achieve what they have set out to achieve?
And why must they achieve it *now*.
What genre is this? Is this a dark genre? Or an animated feature for kids? This doesn’t come across in the logline.
Also, “Team of five”, plus the protagonist, plus (one or more) antagonists, it’s an ensemble, or else there could be some non-essential characters here. Suggest no more than 5 (total) in the team, and don’t specify the number “five” in the logline.
Other than that, “Great job! Attaboy! You can do it!”
Or a personal one from me.
“Don’t take it too personally. It’s not YOU that suck. It’s not your VISION that sucks, it’s just that your logline needs a little work. There’s hope for you. Suggest that you subscribe to Karel Seger’s Blog, The Story Department”. I haven’t seen you post before. Are you new here?

Default Reviewed on July 10, 2014.
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I would shorten it further & dump the ‘seemingly paranormal’ and replace it with ‘freakish’ or ‘strange’. I think the first option is scarier. Your logline suggests a horror-thriller genre [correct me if I am wrong], so tight and scary is best.

bhagavad Default Reviewed on July 10, 2014.
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