A paranoid security consultant is contacted by an unknown woman claiming he’s the target of an organisation that makes assassinations look like accidents, however, as he struggles to discover why he’s been targeted, he’s confronted with conflicting stories of his own actions.

What’s your Number

Knightrider Mentor Asked on October 9, 2015 in Thriller.
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3 Review(s)

The more I read loglines on this website, the more I convinced myself that a “but” in the middle of a logline always fails to build a true one sentence crystal clear concept.

What plot point put the story in motion? The finding of the phone? The finding of the text? Or when he try to “expose the truth” (you need to tell exaclty how he try to expose the truth… telling the police? telling a journalist? telling his boss?)?
In the logline I like when there’s a clear plot point- of course in the movie there will be many reversal and reveals etc but a good logline have only one clear inciting event.
Then you state the goal/stakes and main conflict.

This kind of sentence “finds a phone that contains a set of numbers that appear to correlate to a series of” is extremely HEAVY. Ask yourself exactly what put the story in motion. Chose ONE clear simple element.

“when a paranoid security consultant  finds the phone numbers of seven terrorists, he become the main target of all of them and must…”
What he must DO? Not just escape. Not vaguely “find the truth”. Something precise, clear.

When dealing with paranoia and things that may be real or not, I think in a logline is better to present things as real. The fact they are not real or that we don’t really know until the end will be the pleasure of the movie.

Well theese are my thoughts, as a fan of the genre I appreciate your loglines which always try to find a new angle on the subject. I just think you should try to build something more solid and make simple what it’s complicate. Very hard!

FFF Mentor Reviewed on October 9, 2015.
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I am left with questions about what the story is about.  I believe leaving your reader with questions is a bad thing.  I don’t want to leave people wondering what the story is.

Here is my question.

Is it real or does his paranoia make him believe he had uncovered something?

Plus the predicting part of your line and the accidents are too far apart.  You need to make a more immediate connection.

“disguising assassinations as accidents by….”

I can see where you are headed.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on October 10, 2015.
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When a milquetoast delivery man discovers he’s the target of an assassination plot he has 24 hours to discover who is after him, why, and how to stop them.  (29 words)

“Milquetoast” rather than “Paranoid” because the latter entails the possibility he could be fantasizing the whole conspiracy.  And if that’s the final reveal — that’s all in his head — well, imho, it’s not nice to fool an audience like that unless you’ve got some really clever way to fool them and make them enjoy being played for dupes.   And if you do, good luck.

“Delivery man” rather than “security consultant ” to create more suspense, more mystery — why is the most innocuous of men, the least likely candidate for an assassination being targeted?

fwiw

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 12, 2015.
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