A pristine teen that gets taken away from her parents by a rogue organization which use children as test subjects, tries to escape before she gets sent off to a notorious section of the organizations testing facilities.
There is a noticeable lack of detail in the logline.
The main character’s description is vague, as “…pristine…” is a strange choice for an MC description and it lacks specific descriptive detail. Same goes for the organization’s description “…use children as test subjects…” what tests? What are they trying to achieve with these tests? Are they creating super soldiers? Super spies? Are these biological weapon tests? etc…
Why would the MC not just escape as appose to try, better to describe the main action the MC takes in definitive terms such as: she must escape before…
Lastly, the stakes are un clear because the danger is unclear. What does “…a notorious section of the organization…” actually mean? Do they kill the test subjects there? Do they change their DNA? Whatever it is that actually gets done to test subjects, needs to be specified.
It’s the uniqueness of the detail, and the originality of it’s combination, that can make this an interesting concept.
As noted, the logline lacks specificity in regards to the exact nature of the threat.
Also, the the logline is,uh, grammatically challenging. Pristine is not usually used to describe a person. “a teen that…” should read “a teen who…” A “rogue organization which use..” should read “rogue organization which uses…” And “organizations testing facilities” should read “organization’s testing facilities..”
You only have one chance to make a good 1st impression. Bad grammar makes a bad impression, gives logline readers all the excuse they need to decline reading a script.