A promising young surgeon is appointed by the Queen’s Secret Court to eliminate an alien threat from the slums of London before it destroys the Aristocracy.

Ripper

Lucius Paisley Logliner Asked on December 3, 2012 in Public.
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9 Review(s)

I confess, I have been looking at this logline for days, waiting to see a comment.

I LOVE IT!

Only two things I wonder:

Is there a character journey? “Promising young surgeon” sounds like a flawless character… It may be more interesting if this character has a weakness that makes him/her as the worst possible person for the task.

Following from this: the logline as it is may or may not suggest a dilemma. Is ‘destroying the aristocracy’ a bad thing? This could be a story about the class of the classes and the surgeon may have reasons to allow the aliens to achieve their goal.

This is one of the most exciting loglines I have read recently. But I’d like to hear my colleagues’ feedback, therefore I’ll put it in the category of “Judges”.

Karel Segers Samurai Reviewed on December 3, 2012.
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I did resubmit with a few changes, which then became

‘When a disabled surgeon is appointed by the Queen’s Secret Court to investigate murders in the ghettos of Future London, he must destroy an alien threat within the Aristocracy.’

Which based on further feedback became

‘In the ghettos of a future London, a disabled surgeon must save the Queen’s Secret Court from an alien threat within the Aristocracy.’

And from there I’m not sure.

Default Reviewed on December 3, 2012.
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Yeah, destroying the aristocracy sounds like a plus to me! I like the idea, but I think you could still be more specific on the threat the aliens pose – and why the surgeon is the one chosen (by the Queen might be simper, for a logline, than by a secret court)… What specific skill or ability does he bring to the situation?

A promising idea, though…

Default Reviewed on December 3, 2012.
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The threat is to the monarchy and Queen, but since it’s through the Secret Court, I felt it better to mention them rather than her. The Royalist community isn’t as strong as it once was and not too many people care about any danger to her.

I wouldn’t have the Queen choose him, because even during the time this is set, she is only a figurehead and doesn’t really “do” the bureaucratic stuff.

The surgeon is the son of a streetwalker, so he is closer connected “emotionally” to the situation.

His disability means he is assisted and somewhat enhanced via a prosthetic hand. Being a surgeon, he is good with knives and a medical background assists him in uncovering the alien threat.

As a sidenote (but not really), originally this was going to be a “dumb action flick”, so when I first thought of this, I figured it would be a good reversal on the Ripper story, but as I add and take away from the story plan, I realise I owe a lot more to the idea than to do that.

I’m still not sure if I want to do this as an ‘alternate past’ or a ‘steampunk future’, my closing scene makes sense if it’s the future, but it changes the genre completely if it’s the past. But that only concerns me as a story writer, not for the logline.

Default Reviewed on December 3, 2012.
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The threat is to the monarchy and Queen, but since it’s through the Secret Court, I felt it better to mention them rather than her. The Royalist community isn’t as strong as it once was and not too many people care about any danger to her.

I wouldn’t have the Queen choose him, because even during the time this is set, she is only a figurehead and doesn’t really do” the bureaucratic stuff.

The surgeon is the son of a streetwalker, so he is closer connected emotionally” to the situation.

His disability means he is assisted and somewhat enhanced via a prosthetic hand. Being a surgeon, he is good with knives and a medical background assists him in uncovering the alien threat.

As a sidenote (but not really), originally this was going to be a dumb action flick”, so when I first thought of this, I figured it would be a good reversal on the Ripper story, but as I add and take away from the story plan, I realise I owe a lot more to the idea than to do that.

I’m still not sure if I want to do this as an ‘alternate past’ or a ‘steampunk future’, my closing scene makes sense if it’s the future, but it changes the genre completely if it’s the past. But that only concerns me as a story writer, not for the logline.

Default Reviewed on December 3, 2012.
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