A revengeful ghost uses their tablet PC to plague a young family. The young mother saves them – at the cost of a horrific sacrifice.Logline:

HAUNTED SCREEN

Gerard Penpusher Asked on September 10, 2015 in Public.
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3 Review(s)

This sounds like a short rather than a feature. The wording needs to be simplified. Tablet pc can be shortened to tablet. Revengeful needs to be vengeful. Also how does it plague them? Is the mother the hero of the story? I would feature her and not the ghost at the start of the log line.

sloanpeterson Samurai Reviewed on September 15, 2015.
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Agree with the previous posters. Tighten it up and highlight the hero. Example to highlight the mother:
A young mother fights to save her family from a vengeful ghost who haunts them through their tablets.

Horrific sacrifice tells us nothing. So tell us or leave it out.

cynosurer Penpusher Reviewed on September 30, 2015.
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The sentence structure confuses the meaning of the logline. Perhaps re worded so the family is mentioned before “…their tablet PC…”. Also the stakes need to be clarified, what will happen if the mother fails? They die, they get scared, etc…

My try:
After a young family is haunted by a revengeful ghost the [good description] mother must fight the spirit to save their lives.

Only thing that is missing is the specific, original and interesting action the mother will take to save her family?

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on September 11, 2015.
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