A young Dutch woman is kidnapped by German agents who steal her fortune in diamonds and shoot her in an unsuccessful art sting, finally defeats her nemesis to recover her birthright and protect the man she shares it with. This is the second play in a trilogy and any comments would be appreciated.
I’ve read all three of your loglines, and each one follows the recurring theme of “some high-octane action set pieces” and “vague objectives and goals”. I’m all for a good adventure-type good vs evil story, but you’re missing the vital information that needs to be presented.
Here’s all you need:
1. main character with a flaw (Focus on the main storyline and don’t throw in subplots!)
2. antagonist with a goal (most likely one that counteracts the MC’s)
3. What’s the MC’s primary goal?
3. What happens if they fail?
“An adventuring archaeologist must race around the globe to single-handedly prevent the Nazis from turning the greatest archaeological relic of all time into a weapon of world conquest.”
Notice what’s included and what isn’t? See if you can apply the same formula to your story.
As pzeidman said.
As tempting as it may be to include them, a logline is not the venue to describe set pieces, trailer moments. And there’s not enough room: the ideal maximum length for a logline is 30 words.
The purpose of a logline is to succinctly state the essence of the plot. It requires stripping out all the eye candy, all the sex appeal, all the wow! moments in a story. Writing a logline is a gory process of bleeding, skinning, eviscerating, chopping and hacking the story down to its spine, only the spine and nothing but the spine. And the spine consists of the answers to the 4 questions pzeidmn listed — in 30 words or less.