After a tech genius jokingly replies to a scam e-mail, she must go on the run from a murderous prince who wants his twenty million dollars back.

Lucius Paisley Logliner Asked on November 24, 2015 in Thriller.
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2 Review(s)

I’m guessing — and I shouldn’t have to, the logline should make it clear — that the tech genius is being pursued either because she stole the money or because she is suspected of stealing the money.  Which is it?

If she stole the money, then why would I want to root for her?

And if she is suspected of stealing the money “going on the run” is reactive, weak, and ineffectual as an objective goal.  She might have to initially bolt for her life, but her objective goal would have to be to prove her innocence. Ergo, wouldn’t her objective goal, her only hope of surviving, be  to find the real thief?

(Such as the plot for “The Fugitive”.  Dr. Kimble’s objective goal is not to run from the FBI — although he must initially do that.  His objective goal is to go  back to Chicago, find out and prove to the satisfaction of the FBI who really killed his wife because it’s the only way he can get the FBI, in the person of agent Gerard. off his case.)

dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 25, 2015.

With a little revision…

‘After she is fired from her bank job, a tech genius convinces a thief to assume the identity of a fake Nigerian prince to help steal twenty million dollars.’

Which I feel would be better suited as a comedy.

on November 29, 2015.

it seems to me that you are focusing on minor details and not on the main structure of the movie.
The last rewrite is just the beginning of the movie – try to write what the whole movie is about, clearly. I undestand that you want to write a con movie about the nigerian scam mail and it’s a good idea, but this is so vague.

on December 1, 2015.

the story’s first major event or ‘Inciting Incident’ – fired from bank job

the Hero’s function or role in the story – tech genius convinces thief to assume identity of fake Nigerian prince

the Hero’s goal or main action in the story – stealing twenty million dollars

You’ve been here a while, you shouldn’t need things spelt out for you…

on December 1, 2015.
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I like the original logline.  I read it as he thought it was a scam so he set up a fake bank account, gave it to the scammer/prince (who was not a scammer and genuinely needed help — maybe because he was being held hostage by a gang), and when the money is transferred, he takes it all before the gang gets the money.  So he ends up having to save the prince himself because he can’t go to the cops.  So he assembles a group of hacker friends to go on a mission to save the prince.

seanamulvihill Logliner Reviewed on December 7, 2015.
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