After an attack turns him half-man half-abortion, an obstetrician uses newfound abilities to exact revenge on the attackers as his inner demon threatens to become flesh and kill him.
The description of the inciting incident is unclear because most readers wont know what “…turns him half-man half-abortion,” means.
How else can you describe the event that starts the obstetrician on his journey?
“…newfound abilities…” is a vague description because as a reader I don’t know what these abilities are. Can you specify what he does? Reason this is needed is because this will constitute most of the action in act 2 i.e the majority of the film therefor it is important for the reader to know what it is.
The antagonists in this instance are important because they caused the inciting incident. However the antagonists have a generic description “…attackers…” for a reader to envisage the obstacle that awaits the MC better to describe the antagonists in a more accurate way.
Hope this helps.
Taking your thoughts into consideration, I now present to you the hand-holding” version which only just comes in at the 30 word mark.
‘After pro-lifers boil him alive in an abortion tank, an obstetrician now composed of fetal remains exacts revenge using shapeshifting powers while his inner demon becomes flesh to kill him.’
I wouldn’t necessarily worry about a 30 word count just yet.
If you are using the logline as a structuring tool then 30 words is more of a guide line for keeping it short than a necessity and can go over 30 words whilst still describe a good story and well. If you have already completed the screenplay and are composing a logline for pitching purposes then best to to keep it under 30 words.
About the story the logline reads much better as it is clear who the MC is, what event starts the story and what he will do. The visual depiction of the MC could present a point of concern as a result of the gory details and could be a turn off for some producers.
They solved this quite well in Darkman:
Further more the contradiction in values of the antagonist (pro lifers that try to kill) confuse the antagonists motivations. The MC’s actions are then diluted if the antagonists are pro lifers will they fight or negotiate?
Also exacting revenge alone is a semi selfish act and could present an obstacle for the audience to form empathy for the MC. Better for the MC to exact revenge and return the state of his or her life to better than before the inciting incident. In The Count of Monte Cristo the MC at least had riches to earn, as well as a fiance and honor to try and get back. Whether he does or doesn’t at the end makes little difference as long as these motivated him and not just other peoples suffering and pain.