After trashing his friend’s car while drunk, a 20 year old slacker must share a paper route, the only job he can find, with his overachieving 12 year old sister to pay for the damages and avoid jail time.

jacksonhpeters Penpusher Asked on October 9, 2015 in Comedy.
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4 Review(s)

Hello,

I would say “pay for the damages” rather than “cover the cost” – but I’m not english native speaker so I don’t know.

This is a viable concept for a sundance indie comedy. As a logline I like it… everything will be in the script…

FFF Mentor Reviewed on October 9, 2015.
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The logline needs to clarify the character’s predicament. “Unruly party” does not necessarily mean there was wanton destruction.  And “college dropout” doesn’t mean he can’t find any other job other than delivering papers.  Or even that’s he’s unemployed.  A person can drop out of college and still be employed.

Also,  in the age of the Internet, how many paper routes actually exist anymore, how viable is it as a plot device (assuming the story is set in the present)?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 10, 2015.

dpg I think it works as a concept, highly unlikely, but it’s a movie.  I can’t see how the logline could answer all the questions you raise and still be a logline under 50.

i can assume that sharing a paper route is as good as he can get, so I see unemployable looser, which when played against a high achieving kid could be funny on its own.

on October 10, 2015.
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Well…

Under court order to pay reparations for trashing a house while drunk or else do time, a college dropout must take the only job he can find, as a paper boy working for an overachieving 12- year old girl.

(38 words)

Whatever, I suggest that man-boy versus girl would create more interesting conflicts and character chemistry.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 10, 2015.
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Well, the revised  is shorter, but it seems to me the cause and effect linkage between the inciting incident (the trashing) and the remedy (the paper route) seems weak.

Why does he have to take a paper route to pay restitution?  Why doesn’t he get some other job? Isn’t it because it’s the only job he can get?  Isn’t that  a necessary causal link in the chain of events that leads him from the trashing to working for the girl?  Isn’t his inability to find anything better — he’s a zero loser — part of the comedy?

I like the premise.  It suggests all kinds of comic chemistry between the slacker and the girl.  But I think it would strengthen the logline to nail down the joke within the joke of why he ends up working for her.  She’s a winner, he’s a loser who can’t find any other job.

I appreciate that you are caught between conflicting needs for this logline, between clarity and brevity.  I’m an OCD nut  for both, but if I can’t optimize for both,  my inclination is to trade off (a little) brevity for the sake of (more) clarity.

Ultimately, of course, it’s your call.  Best wishes with the story idea.

 

dpg Singularity Reviewed on October 10, 2015.

Last revision, I swear 😛 Would a brother/sister relationship between the slacker and the girl strengthen or weaken the conflict? It gives them somewhere to start, but it flips the traditional relationship by having the older brother work for the younger sister.

on October 13, 2015.

So, sibling rivalry.

I think that could work even better.  Among others virtues, it makes it easier to explain how he discover the job opening and/or why she might offer it to him.  He’s not a complete stranger to her, and this could be her golden opportunity  to even the score,  show him up,  get back at him for the times he insulted and mistreated her.

on October 13, 2015.
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