After trashing his friend’s car while drunk, a 20 year old slacker must share a paper route, the only job he can find, with his overachieving 12 year old sister to pay for the damages and avoid jail time.
The logline needs to clarify the character’s predicament. “Unruly party” does not necessarily mean there was wanton destruction. And “college dropout” doesn’t mean he can’t find any other job other than delivering papers. Or even that’s he’s unemployed. A person can drop out of college and still be employed.
Also, in the age of the Internet, how many paper routes actually exist anymore, how viable is it as a plot device (assuming the story is set in the present)?
Under court order to pay reparations for trashing a house while drunk or else do time, a college dropout must take the only job he can find, as a paper boy working for an overachieving 12- year old girl.
Whatever, I suggest that man-boy versus girl would create more interesting conflicts and character chemistry.
Well, the revised is shorter, but it seems to me the cause and effect linkage between the inciting incident (the trashing) and the remedy (the paper route) seems weak.
Why does he have to take a paper route to pay restitution? Why doesn’t he get some other job? Isn’t it because it’s the only job he can get? Isn’t that a necessary causal link in the chain of events that leads him from the trashing to working for the girl? Isn’t his inability to find anything better — he’s a zero loser — part of the comedy?
I like the premise. It suggests all kinds of comic chemistry between the slacker and the girl. But I think it would strengthen the logline to nail down the joke within the joke of why he ends up working for her. She’s a winner, he’s a loser who can’t find any other job.
I appreciate that you are caught between conflicting needs for this logline, between clarity and brevity. I’m an OCD nut for both, but if I can’t optimize for both, my inclination is to trade off (a little) brevity for the sake of (more) clarity.
Ultimately, of course, it’s your call. Best wishes with the story idea.