After being accused of murder, a naïve do-gooder secret agent seeks to prove her innocence and unravel the dark truth, only to find herself completely unequipped for life outside her sheltered world.

Raised by Wolves

Paul Clarke Samurai Asked on March 25, 2013 in Public.
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2 Review(s)

She’s a secret agent who exists in a “sheltered world.” What does that mean exactly? Because that’s the main conflict your LL present: fish out of water. She’ll face trials and obstacles directly stemming from her naivety and lack of skills in this new world.

“Accused of murder, a secret agent must prove her innocence.” There’s the core goal, the core question: will she or won’t she prove her innocence (which implicitly involves finding the true killer)? Now you need to clarify the conflict.

How have you personified the forces acting against her? Is there a single antagonist or body of antagonists? If so, give us a hint in the LL. As it stands, it’s too general in every respect.

For example, here’s a stronger, more specific LL tracking the same basic story:

“Accused of murder by her corrupt ex-lover, a wimpy bureaucrat at a spy agency must become a cunning field operative to find the real killer and clear her name.”

The corrupt ex-lover is the implied antagonist trying to frame her. Is the ex-lover the real murderer? Is the ex-lover covering for the real murderer? Is the ex-lover simply seizing the opportunity to pursue another agenda? Generally speaking, good loglines trigger a flood of follow-up questions. The reader wants to know more, wants to explore further along the path you cleared for them. Bad loglines raise questions about the core story, and they stop your reader in their tracks. Your LL won’t excite them because you didn’t give them the essential elements required to spark their interest.

Note the strengthened protag goal: no longer simply to “prove her innocence” but to transform from a meek bureaucrat into an effective field agent. I guess that’s what you aimed for with your LL, but it needs to be front and center, not buried in vague suggestion.

Conflict: the ex-lover; the agency; her inexperience in the field and all the complications that creates.

Just my thoughts. Good luck.

Default Reviewed on March 25, 2013.
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It seems unrealistic that a secret agent can be naive. Unseasoned, unexperienced, a rookie, yes, but naive?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on April 13, 2013.
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