After being augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city must avoid capture by both former allies as well as the wealthy caste — sparking a civil war in which only the strongest survive.

Cyber

Outlawdl Default Asked on May 5, 2015 in Student Loglines.
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21 Review(s)

Not bad,
I just found the word “augmented” not clear enough, and maybe you could mention a ‘positive’ goal (you have just a ‘negative’ goal: escape).

FFF Mentor Reviewed on May 5, 2015.
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“After being cybernetically augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city must secure her survival and avoid capture by both former allies as well as the wealthy caste — sparking a civil war in which only the strongest survive.”

I think I just added another negative goal… She’s basically trying to stop her body from rejecting her augmentations, which are slowly killing her.

I’m not sure there is a positive goal.

Thanks for the feedback.

Outlawdl Default Reviewed on May 5, 2015.
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It’s hard to create a good character and a good logline,

try to read this article I found to understand the difference between positive goals and negative goals:
http://www.swoonreads.com/blog/positive-and-negative-goals-for-characters

Somewhere I read about the film “the fugitive”: it may seem a film where the MC just need to run and avoid capture but (negative) it is truly a film where the MC wants to find the real murder of his wife and clear his reputation (positive). Think about the many films you’ve seen where you have a character who need to avoid capture and try to see if you can find also a positive goal.

The reason of this necessity of a positive goal seems to be that when a character has a positive goal you can build a better connection with him, so the character is more interesting and the audience enjoys the movie better.

Very often I see here writers add a “rescue” goal, like to rescue his son/sister. It’s a very common solution and many movies use it. It can work but it seems to me too common to really capture the reader.

The theory of Truby (“Anathomy of a story) is that every element in the movie must be connected to the whole – maybe try to find something that works with your idea of an “augmented” woman.

Have you seen “Lucy”? They say it sucks but the story is similar to your story so you can analyze this movie to do it better.

FFF Mentor Reviewed on May 6, 2015.
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Thanks, that was very helpful.

“After being cybernetically augmented against her will, a street-girl from a futuristic city endeavors to destroy the company that captured her, all the while avoiding capture by both them and former allies, which leads to a civil war.”

Outlawdl Default Reviewed on May 6, 2015.
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You might want to avoid using the term ‘futuristic’ unless the story takes place in the present (2015)

Because ‘futuristic’ mean something that exist in the present which is ahead of it’s time.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on May 6, 2015.
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