After being posted to a Greenlandic prison for a temporary placement, a young doctor must help the inmates with their personal problems while dealing with some unruly inmates and unsympathetic guards

Angel Doctor

assaf Penpusher Asked on June 22, 2015 in Public.
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16 Review(s)

Helping inmates and dealing with guards doesn’t really tell us much or drive your story forward. Give your young doctor an imperative to achieve something.

Default Reviewed on June 22, 2015.
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What Lee Brooks said. They story still lacks focus and specificity. The character lacks a specific objective goal.

As written, the logline suggests 3 general problems: 1] help the inmates with their personal problems problems 2] while dealing with some unruly inmates and 3] unsympathetic guards. Those general problems may be part of the context and complications of the plot — but what is the plot? What is the one — and only one primary objective goal of the doctor that frames the story? Who is the antagonist/nemesis that opposes the doctor’s objective goal? What are the stakes? That is, what does the doctor stand to gain if he succeeds, stand to lose if he fails?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on June 22, 2015.
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She wants to bond with the inmates. Also, another goal for the doctor would be to get used to an unusual prison routine.

assaf Penpusher Reviewed on June 22, 2015.
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What does “to bond” mean? What’s the visual on that? How will the audience know whether she succeeds or fails? What are the stakes if she fails to “bond”?

>>get used to an unusual prison routine

There can be subsidiary goals as means to an end, the end being to the objective goal, but a logline is about 1 objective goal, not 2 or 3.

Why does she want to bond with the inmates? Why does she want to adapt to a prison routine? What’s the point? What’s the dramatic purpose?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on June 22, 2015.
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Hi Assaf. She needs to drive the story, not just bond with inmates and get used to stuff. She’s got to want more than to just fit in. Give her an active goal and the threat of dire consequences if she fails. Maybe what she witnesses in the prison drives her to team up with an ex-prisoner who wants to bring about prison reform. If the sadistic prison guards find out what she’s trying to do, maybe they would hurt her. She can have all sorts of internal stuff going on (which can be expressed through her dialogue), but she needs an external, active goal that can be seen on screen. Do you get the idea? Try again. Good luck.

Default Reviewed on June 22, 2015.
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