After drunkenly trashing his dealer’s car, a 25 year old slacker has to secretly use the only job he has, a shared paper route with his overachieving 14 year old sister to distribute weed until it gets fixed.
The plot sounds weak, and raises the question is this a story worthy problem?
The reason could be that the main character has no big obstacle standing in his way to achieving a relatively minor goal. Maybe best to raise the stakes for instance what if the car was an antique his father inherited from his father? The sentimental value would help.
Further more the inciting incident is of his own doing so it is technically not a significant event by an external force that shifted the balance of his life. Why not change the inciting incident to a big event that he had little or no control over for example:
After his drunk friends trash his parents car a slacker must….
I liked the earlier version better which spotlighted the sibling conflict, between the slacker older brother and the overachieving younger sister. I thought it offered a lot of potential for comedy,
The sibling conflict is embedded in this version but now it has to share the spotlight with the drug dealing. I think the drug dealing would make for a terrific plot twist, the brother falling back into his bad habits, succumbing to his character flaws. But again, for my money, the sibling rivalry is the stronger hook, the one that should be featured in the logline. I don’t think it’s necessary to cram both into the logline. This version is 38 words long which is pushing the limit. This may be a case where less is more.
And I have no problem with the inciting incident being a consequence of his character flaw, that the brother has brought his dramatic predicament upon himself. That’s what character flaws are good for, especially in comedy. This would lay the foundation for a strong redemptive character arc.
A slacker, not sure it is the right word or paints enough of a picture. The sibling rivalry may be great, but is it the aim of the script? If so start with that, “sibling rivalry boils over when…” I like the idea of a loser do a paper to sell drugs.
“Desperate for money to fix his dealers car a stoner shares his ( over achiever) sisters paper route as a ruse to sell weed.”