After his father dies under mysterious circumstances, a young man gets tangled up in an undercover operation against London’s most notorious crime family.
I suggest there needs to be a stronger cause-and-effect link stated between the father’s death and the young man getting involved in a covert operation. Does he get involved in the covert operation while trying to find out who killed his father? If so, the logline should indicate that. Or is there some other reason?
And what does “tangled up” entail in terms of jeopardy? What threat to the young man does his involvement pose? Who is his antagonist in this scenario? And what are the stakes? Which is to ask, ultimately, what is he in danger of losing? His life? Or…?
I’ve been thinking about this logline.
Like I said before I don’t think this is interesting enough or even much unique.
So I’d suggest something like this:
“A young man goes undercover and infiltrates London’s most notorious crime family to solve the mystery around his father’s death.”
So we have the hero – the young man – his goal – solve the mystery of his father’s death – and we have the villain – London’s most notorious crime family.
But it can be more interesting and unique. We have seen other undercover young men infiltrating the crime world.
So I suggest something like this:
“A young seminarian drops the seminary and infiltrates London’s most notorious crime family to solve the mystery around his father’s death.”
I think this way the story is more interesting and unique. But if you don’t agree with me I hope that at least you get the point and you’ll try to create an unique twist to your concept.