After interrupting a blackmail hand-off in a grimy Scottish pub, American expat Charley finds herself with a bag of cash in one hand and an encrypted USB in the other and is forced to outrun local thugs, a killer-for-hire and the head of a multinational while trying to escape the country.
This logline raises too many questions that evoke confusion instead of intrigue. How does she instantly know the USB is encrypted? How does she know she interrupted a blackmail hand-off? what is her character flaw? What is her goal? Will traveling into Europe or back to the US save her life? If there is a substantial amount of money in the bag she found the bad guys will still follow and try to catch her. How will she pass so much money by airport security?
Why doesn’t she just drop the usb stick and cash? This way any threats made against her are defused this logic flaw makes for a weak premise.
No need to mention the MC’s name in a logline.
Not all the questions the first draft of the logline raises necessarily need to be answered but the plot critical ones need to in the next draft. What is her goal? What is her character flaw? Who is stopping her and what are the stakes?
Hope this helps.
This sounds like it could be a promising comedy but I realize you may have written it as action. There is no need to reveal her specific name and you give other minor details that are less important in a log line. I would say she is on the run… but from three villains? I don’t see that working. Maybe she just doesn’t know who to trust? Anyway, she finds herself on the run from hopefully just one villain with the USB and the money. I hope that points you in a new direction of making it clearer and less wordy.