After killing his boss a concaine enraged drug dealer goes on a sleep deprived 48 hour murderous rampage attempting take control of the drug network.

Gangland

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Asked on April 16, 2015 in Public.
Add Comment
6 Review(s)

I like this. Just have a few revisions.

After killing his boss, a coked-up drug dealer goes on a sleep deprived rampage murdering his way up to become the next drug kingpin..

I don’t think you need 2 day. Maybe explain that in the synopsis.

Leebo159 Default Reviewed on April 17, 2015.
Add Comment

Technically, cocaine induces euphoria not rage.

And I am given no reason to like the main character or care or emphasize, no reason to cheer if he succeeds or lament if he fails.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on April 17, 2015.
Add Comment

I agree with dpg – why should we the viewer side with the MC? Why did he kill his boss beyond being drug-crazed? I’m not sure about the genre either – is it an action-packed thriller, or a horror movie? There needs to be something else to hold on to, I think. A motive beyond being sleep-deprived. Just my opinion, though. Take it or leave it.

Russ Lay Default Reviewed on April 17, 2015.
Add Comment

As the others stated, there’s no reason for the audience to get emotionally involved with the MC. If he’s not a likeable character, he has to at least be COMPELLING, and we should be able to relate to him (empathize).

Think of Tony Montana in ‘Scarface’ or Lou Bloom in ‘Nightcrawler.’ Neither were likeable characters, but both were absolutely compelling. And both were driven by the same universally relatable goal – a determination to overcome hardship and do whatever it takes to achieve success.

The logline for ‘Scarface’ describes Pacino’s character as “a DETERMINED Cuban immigrant takes over a drug cartel..”. Similarly, Gyllenhaal’s character is described as “a DRIVEN man desperate for work…”.

You might consider using the same approach for your character – maybe something like “Spurred on by a cocaine-induced euphoria, a determined drug dealer attempts to take over of a drug cartel by …”

Hope this helps

Default Reviewed on April 17, 2015.
Add Comment

Thanks I like hearing other people take on a line, I hate writing loglines. The 48 hours was trying to make it feel frantic and claustrophobic. I like your take on it.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on April 17, 2015.
Add Comment

Your Review

By posting your review, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.