After reading a page from a spell book an incorrigible boy discovers a cursed princess trapped in a tree in his backyard. He must break the spell and save his father from his new girlfriend, the Witch.

The Weeping Willow (Revised)
(Kids cartoon/animation)

Andrew Bates Penpusher Asked on July 3, 2013 in Public.
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12 Review(s)

Awesome story! Great structure, very amusing, action packed. I want to see this film! Just tiny things- it’ll be easier to read as one sentence and…

Don’t know how set you are on the adjective problematic. IMO, a problematic boy would be unlikely to rescue a princess up a tree. He would rather enjoy being the bully, eg putting the princess up in the tree in the first place. A different adjective would fix this though.
All the best!

isabelle.allen Default Reviewed on July 3, 2013.
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Well…

A troubled boy must rescue a Princess — whom only he can see – who is trapped in a tree by a sorcerer’s spell, who will die when the tree is cut down to make way for a mall.

Klunky. And 39 words. Here’s the madness in my method:

Stories of the magical and sci-fi genres often face an up hill struggle to persuade the viewer to suspend belief, to buy into alternate rules of reality that define the story world. It’s a challenge to distill those alternate rules of reality into a logline, but occasionally necessary to do so.

‘whom only he can see’

I’m explicitly stating an alternate rule that is only implied in the original logline. I mean, if everyone else could see the Princess, the kid wouldn’t have a dramatic problem, would he?

‘by a sorcerer’s spell’

That emendation is to provide an answer to the question: who is the antagonist, the villain? I infer that the Princess’s predicament is created by an agent with the power to trap her in the tree. The mayoress may be corrupt, but does she have that power? Or is the ‘corrupt mayoress’ merely a pawn, a dupe, of the agent with the magical chopes to trap the Princess?

‘who will die when the tree is scheduled to be cut down’

Again, I make explicit what seems to be implied. This is to answer the question: what is at stake? Well, obviously it’s not the tree’s life — it’s the Princess’s life. (Which I infer is linked to that of the tree.)

Oh yeah: suggested title “Tree of Life”. (Recognizing that Terrence Malick’s 2011 film was titled “The Tree of Life”.)

fwiw

dpg Singularity Reviewed on July 3, 2013.
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I agree isabelle, ‘Problematic’ should be changed

Also, spells are broken, I would change the word ‘released’.

And, Even though Mayoress is a word, a female Mayor is just a Mayor (Now days)

Finally I don’t believe you need to say, “for a new mall” in the logline. Just saying the mayor is corrupt implies she is bulldozing the park for improper reasons. (No need to explain further)
—-
How about this:

“When and incorrigible young boy discovers a princess trapped in a tree, he must brake the spell before a corrupt Mayor bulldozes the park.”

Hope that helped, good luck with this!

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on July 3, 2013.
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I believe by just saying “boy” implies that he is young of age.
Thanks for the feedback.

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on July 3, 2013.
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Revised

“When an incorrigible boy discovers a princess trapped in a tree by a witch’s curse. He must break the spell before the park is bulldozed by the spellbinder, the mayor”

or

“After a princess is trapped in a tree by a witch’s curse. Her life is in the hands of a troubled boy who must break the spell before the park is bulldozed for a Mall.

I’m having a little trouble trying to incorporate that the hero is the only one that can see her…

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on July 3, 2013.
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