“After she’s attacked by demons, a teenage amnesiac must discover who or what she is, if she’s to defeat the evil horde that has targeted her.” — Fallen Angel–

Richiev Singularity Asked on September 26, 2015 in Action.
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5 Review(s)

The set up is intriguing – and the fact that she is an amnesic complicates things.
What I’d like to get a sense of is how she meets the challenge.
And some – even in broadest terms – idea of what the evil horde intend to do to her.
Unimaginable horror I think – and I possibly am totally alone in this – is not as strong as imaginable horror.
This has potential, I’d like to see just a bit more.
Good luck with it.

Gill Penpusher Reviewed on September 26, 2015.

Thanks for the great critique. I believe you are correct, I need to find a way to incorporate, when she’s attacked, she discovers she has powers that no human would have.
Even though she looks like a normal teenage girl she begins to realize she isn’t, and evil forces want her dead.

on September 27, 2015.
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From reading your replies to the reviews, I figure this is kind of Jason Bourne meets Dogma meets Constantine.

First, I would correctly spell amnesiac – people might wonder if amnesic is a different thing altogether or whether you mean anaemic.

My problem with the logline is that surely once you lose your memory, your already on a journey to self-discovery as you don’t know who you are, where you live, what you do etc. Yet the logline hints that the only reason she cares about finding out who she is, is because of the demons attacking her.

This is the logline for the Bourne Identity: “A man with amnesia discovers he is a governmental assassin who has been targeted for death by the organization that employs him.”

Also on whether, its a movie, a TV show or a Comic book, it depends how much story, you have. Is what you have the now, essentially the story with no place to really go then its a movie. If what you have is basically a launch for more stories to come then its a TV show or a Comic book. And if you want, you can use a Comic book to secure a TV show – that’s what Dark Matter creators Joseph Mallozzi & Paul Mullie did. They had this idea for a TV show when they were writing for Stargate SG-1/Atlantis/Universe and then when they saw even the creators of Stargate were finding it difficult to get more TV work, they decided to write Dark matter as a comic book as a sort of proof of concept and then take it to network execs.

priggy Logliner Reviewed on September 28, 2015.
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I think the fact she is attacked by demons is a strong enough inciting incident it also explains what the genre is I wouldn’t change that.

Her being an amnesiac  is not a character flaw it is a medical condition as such it doesn’t explain in what way she will change and grow throughout the story. Is there a character flaw you could replace the amnesiac description with? Or if having amnesia is critical to the story what character flaw could you add to her description?

Secondly the order of action and reaction in the logline lacks a logical connection as it reads now the MC is attacked by demons then she must discover who she is. If I were attacked by demons the first thing I would do is find a priest or a rabbi and fight the demons not go on a journey of self discovery…

I get that you’re insinuating that she either has a super power of some sort or is related to Jesus or something to that effect but the action described in the logline directly after being attacked needs to be a response to the inciting incident. What is it she will do as a result of the demonic attack? Then if possible add in a small description of her strength or special power that she will use to achieve her goal.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on September 27, 2015.

1: Great points Nir. I do think a character flaw will help.

2: As for the Amnesia, it’s vital to the story. She is an Angel. She was betrayed by an fellow Angel she thought an ally.

3: She’s discovered naked in a crater in the middle of the road by a shy local teenage boy. Because she has amnesia she doesn’t know she’s an Angel (The key angel in the battle between good and evil here on earth) and she doesn’t remember who betrayed her.

4: The key to discovering who the betrayer is would be her regaining her memory.

(I have to admit some of this is inspired by my love of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” A ‘seemingly’ young girl with special powers who is destined to fight the forces of darkness)

5: I have not decided whether to write this as a movie script, a TV pilot or as a Comic book.

on September 27, 2015.
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The concept is problematical for me, raises more questions that dramatic possibilities, probably because once upon a time I was a theology major.  So my reaction is probably atypical.   Still, fwiw, demons are merely fallen angels — same species in the cosmological taxonomy.   And if the main character was betrayed by an angel — well, then wouldn’t that treacherous angel be a demon in disguise?

How could the main character be so blind and foolish as to not realize the true nature of the “angel” who betrays her?  That seems to be the precipitating character flaw, but is it also the flaw the main character must overcome in the plot proper?

And why can’t the Big Guy in the sky can’t protect is own?  Or did he allow it to happen?  Is he part of a conspiracy behind a conspiracy? (Like the sorrows and suffering he allowed the Satan to inflict on Job?)

As I said, fwiw.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on September 29, 2015.

Funny I’m working on Gods Of Egypt now, different theological context but similar principle; divine beings duking it out for either good or evil, must be a hot topic now-days…

Anyway in light of of your last comment I think better to specify that she is an angel who suffers from amnesia rather than a generic teenage girl.

And agreed with DPG how do you rationalize the fact that god has not gotten involved and controlled the angels from betraying each other?

on September 29, 2015.

The Earth is hands off. However Demons don’t follow the rules. The lead character is the leader of a group of Angels (Sort of a divine policeman) who enforces the rules when the Demons break them.

God believes in free will and does not interfere.

Since this is not written yet. Gods passivity could be a reason for her partner betrayal.

on September 29, 2015.
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