After the mysterious arrival of a stolen diamond and her missing brother's diary, an art forgery expert discovers that her long lost family was involved in an unsolved international crime, and is forced on a quest through the dark catacombs of Siberia to discover the truth

    Corridor One

    corridorone Penpusher Asked on September 2, 2015 in Public.
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    12 Review(s)

      This is the first draft of a logline for this concept that is getting close to describing a causally connected plot. Well done!

      Main character – art forgery expert

      Inciting incident – discovers that her father was behind an unsolved international diamonds robbery

      Causal connection – Because of finding out her father is accused of theft she must…

      Goal – absolved her father

      A few notes.

      This line “…whose family disappeared 20 years ago,…” is unrelated to the plot and needs to be removed from the logline.

      Main Character – art forgery expert – still a bit vague as I’m not sure this is an actually profession, is it?

      Also how is an art expert able to solve an international crime? The main character description would be best used to describe either a characteristic as an obstacle that will stand in her way of achieving her goal and require she overcomes it via her inner journey, or, be an ability vital for her to achieve the goal. Currently art forgery expert doesn’t do either.

      Inciting incident – discovers father is guilty of a crime. Needs more detail, how does she discover? What was the event that sparked her suspicions?

      On that note, what does “…behind an unsolved international diamonds robbery…” mean? Was he the robber? The master mind? The getaway driver? The dealer?

      Goal – Lastly a logic flaw in the logline is; if he is indeed behind the robbery then he is guilty and she should not be able to absolve him. Secondly if the crime was unsolved then he would have not been accused of anything so in who’s eyes is she trying to absolve him?

      Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on September 4, 2015.
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        So many disconnects, as Nir pointed out. I’ll add just two more.

        How does and art fraud investigator’s background relate to a jewel theft?

        Why does she go to Europe when Siberia is in Asia?  I had to google Siberian catacombs as I was only familiar with the European ones, Nice setting. Kudos for that but I not seeing the need for it in the logline.

        Why ‘must’ or  how ‘thrust’?  Doesn’t look like anything compelling other than curiosity. As opposed to this thirty word version:   When the stolen Eye of the Czar diamond,  a cryptic message. and the authorities land on her doorstep, an art fraud investigator must prove she is not her father’s ‘fence’.

        I only do exactly 30 word loglines (it’s a personal challenge not some silly rule you need to follow). But it hints at a lot of the elements you’ve given us so far. Eye of the Czar ratchets up the ‘importance’ of the theft and links it to Siberia.  Her father’s fence is what the authorities believe but it leaves it open as to what his real guilt or innocence or involvement is. and now she has to go on her journey or risk going to jail. This may not be your story but I could see where it could make your first ten pages the page turner it needs to be.

        Anyway, good luck with it. Take what you want from it. Trash the rest.

        cynosurer Penpusher Reviewed on January 10, 2016.

        I kept art fraud investigator in because I think it shows she has some skills and it would bolster the authorities presumption that she is a fence as it makes for a good front for a fence with all the connections she would have.

        on January 11, 2016.
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          I’m still persuaded that the word “mysterious” should be avoided in a logline.

          I don’t understant what is a art forgery expert so you have to find a better expression.

          “After the mysterious arrival of a stolen diamond and her missing brother’s diary”
          This is not interesting. Sorry.
          What is interesting is what actually puts the story in motion and we must understand how and why.
          A serial killer kidnap my son. I care, this starts a story.
          I receive a diamond in my mailbox. Good for me. Then I go to Siberia looking for my missing family… Whaaaat!? Why!? This is not clear! Why? Logline Alert! You must come up with something that make sense, clearly, for everyone.
          If the book is a good book, you must find what is the very main element that put the story in motion: it’s not a diamond, it’s not a diary. And it’s not the world “mysterious”.
          Analyze the book. You must found something. A single thing, very very precise.

          what is this thing about her family? Are they dead? Are they “missing people” (after a certain number of years this is legally equivalent to death)? Say things clearly. I don’t need to know if later in the movie we learn that they are not what we believed.

          I give it a try…

          When an anti-fraud art expert discovers that the disappearing of her family was linked to an art fraude, she ….. then what happens ?
          Many things happens in the novel but you have to find what is the VERY MAIN confrontation. Siberian criminals ? Read the novel again and find the MAIN thing. There must be something. One thing.

          And finally. Decide what precisely is her goal. Find her family? Solve as art forgery case?

          You must understand the difference betwen teasing and writing a logline. You tease too much. In a logline you must build a solid structure.

          Good luck.

          FFF Mentor Reviewed on September 3, 2015.
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            A young woman learns she is related to an international criminal and is captivated to solve the crime and absolve her father

            corridorone Penpusher Reviewed on September 3, 2015.
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