After winning a costly battle in an intergalactic war a newly promoted commander must lead a massive assault against an alien that is preying on the fleet’s ships one-by-one.
Do we need to know that the commander is newly promoted in the logline? Could we know something more relevant to the challenges he’s going to face instead?
I think what’s not working for me is that the costly battle, in an intergalactic war, seems like a much more interesting and compelling storyline than having to fight an alien … and so the set up dwarfs the plot. Maybe you can word it to tone down the galaxy altering implications of the set up?
Wording wise … should the assault be described as massive, or should the alien menace be described as massive? (Just from what previous versions of the logline say).