After winning a costly battle in an intergalactic war a newly promoted commander must lead a massive assault against an alien that is preying on the fleet’s ships one-by-one.

Scylla

martinreese Penpusher Asked on March 12, 2013 in Public.
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Do we need to know that the commander is newly promoted in the logline? Could we know something more relevant to the challenges he’s going to face instead?

I think what’s not working for me is that the costly battle, in an intergalactic war, seems like a much more interesting and compelling storyline than having to fight an alien … and so the set up dwarfs the plot. Maybe you can word it to tone down the galaxy altering implications of the set up?

Wording wise … should the assault be described as massive, or should the alien menace be described as massive? (Just from what previous versions of the logline say).

nicholasandrewhalls Penpusher Reviewed on March 12, 2013.
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