An ambitious woman takes over her uncle’s struggling restaurant, determined to bring the business back to life. When the staff that don’t meet Wendy’s standards begin to disappear, the remaining employees start to question just how dedicated to her job their new manager might be. You’d better hope you’re on next week’s roster.

flissyk Penpusher Asked on November 8, 2015 in Thriller.
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4 Review(s)

My take:

After Hannibal becomes the soul judge of Celebrity MasterChef, Clarice  has to cook for life or be eliminated.   https://www.flickr.com/photos/bovinemagnet/14620439267

Rutger Oosterhoff Samurai Reviewed on November 9, 2015.

That’s great! Yes that is in the same field. Wendy’s not a cannibal – but she certainly could be.

on November 9, 2015.

Rutger your comment literally made me laugh out loud, well done.

The killer’s point of view can add a lot in terms of comedy but may be risky in terms of audience empathy and interest.

on November 9, 2015.

flissyk  and Nir,

I can’t help myself. When I see an idea that has potential it inspires me.

I liked the tagline “You’d better hope you’re on next week’s roster.”

Of course a poster must have the protag on it as the leading character.

on November 10, 2015.
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It’s not clear in my mind as to what the plot of this story is.  Are employees not just being terminated–fired–they’re being “terminated with extreme prejudice” — killed?

If that is in fact, the premise of the story, then I presume the “ambitious woman” is the culprit, or at least the suspected culprit, ergo, the antagonist. So who is the good guy or gal — the  protagonist?  Who must solve the mystery, stop the murders?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 8, 2015.

Thank you for the feedback!
I have been struggling with this log line.. I also think that it sounds a lot duller than the film really is. It’s a black comedy thriller.

Yes the ambitious woman (Wendy) is the antagonist- she takes over her uncle’s restaurant and starts to kill all of the staff that aren’t doing a good enough job. But I was weighing up whether to actually put that out there – do I want to tell people that she’s going on a killing rampage or should that part be a surprise..?

There are two main characters (good guys) that decide to stop her- I was unsure how to incorporate them as I already had the log line too long.
I actually think I’m best to start again from a completely different angle.. 

on November 9, 2015.
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What if Wendy was not the killer and she had to figure out who is killing her staff and prove to the police that she’s innocent? Then you would have mystery.

bamgomes Logliner Reviewed on November 9, 2015.
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Hey Fliss

If Wendy is killing innocent people, she becomes a negative character. If there are two other main characters trying to stop the killing, or figure out what is happening to their co workers, they are positive characters.

The audience will find it hard to empathize with a negative character and easy to empathize with the positive ones. I suspect your plot would also be more interesting with an element of mystery introduced by the fact the main characters don’t know what is actually happening.

Perhaps best to re draft the logline from the point of view of the character or characters that are trying to stop the killer.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on November 9, 2015.

Thanks Nir – definitely helps.

I have already started a new logline which will be more from the positive main characters point of view.

I don’t think the film is really a ‘murder mystery’ – the audience (plus one of the main characters) know  from very early on what’s going on.
It’s more about the absurd (and gory) deaths that occur (using different aspects of the restaurant), and kind of a race against time for the two leads (the head chef and a waitress) to find a way to stop Wendy before they are the next to be ‘erased’ off the roster.

Thanks again for the feedback – I have so much fun writing the script, but never realised just how hard I would find it to construct a great log line..!

on November 9, 2015.
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