An impoverished teen drug mule threaten to inform by Police must find a way to get out of the business and save her sister being held as collateral.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Asked on November 20, 2015 in Crime.
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8 Review(s)

I’m confused.  Is the teenager threatening to inform the police? Or is he threatened by someone informing on him to the police? Or are the police squeezing him to inform on his drug bosses?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on November 21, 2015.
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Maybe your problem is that you want to describe the drug mule as a nice person and make clear why she is dealing in only ONE word. Taking  Nir’s logline as example:

After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a(n) X  drug mule must undergo one last run in order to save her sister from a forced heroin overdose.

How do you describe that a drug mule is LIKABLE in on word without getting into a contradiction. or tell us she got impoverished because of dealing? Tough.

Rutger Oosterhoff Samurai Reviewed on November 27, 2015.
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What DPG wrote.
The MC’s main problem is unclear and it confuses the read as a result.

Secondly the structure of the logline is working against it.

Perhaps it would be best to start with the boss taking the sister:

After her sister is taken hostage by her mob boss, a drug mule must… [do something]

The MC’s goal appears to be split into two, one is to save the sister the other is to get out of the business, and seeing as the only sure way out of organised crime is in a body bag, both are life or death choices.
Maybe it would be better to specify only one goal in the logline, otherwise it gets confusing.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on November 21, 2015.
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The cops see her as a weak link and are threatening her, “someone is doing time, you or the boss…” type threats.

hand on forehead moment with the structure.  Starting with the sister works much better, thanks.   I am writing it for a small group of actors I have access to.  If I can scam the locations this logline will help form my funding pitch.

keep it coming if you see more. I’ll redraft and post it as a comment. Thanks again.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on November 21, 2015.
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V2.  The story is she is leaving because of police pressure.  She know her boss will see her as a threat and kill her once he knows the police are sniffing around.  She only start moving drugs her and her little sister were homeless and needed money. No mention of family.

Here’s the new line.

With th her sister being held as collateral by her supplier and being pressured to inform by police a drug mule must do one last run to save them both.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on November 21, 2015.
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