An impoverished teen drug mule threaten to inform by Police must find a way to get out of the business and save her sister being held as collateral.
What DPG wrote.
The MC’s main problem is unclear and it confuses the read as a result.
Secondly the structure of the logline is working against it.
Perhaps it would be best to start with the boss taking the sister:
After her sister is taken hostage by her mob boss, a drug mule must… [do something]
The MC’s goal appears to be split into two, one is to save the sister the other is to get out of the business, and seeing as the only sure way out of organised crime is in a body bag, both are life or death choices.
Maybe it would be better to specify only one goal in the logline, otherwise it gets confusing.
The cops see her as a weak link and are threatening her, “someone is doing time, you or the boss…” type threats.
hand on forehead moment with the structure. Starting with the sister works much better, thanks. I am writing it for a small group of actors I have access to. If I can scam the locations this logline will help form my funding pitch.
keep it coming if you see more. I’ll redraft and post it as a comment. Thanks again.
V2. The story is she is leaving because of police pressure. She know her boss will see her as a threat and kill her once he knows the police are sniffing around. She only start moving drugs her and her little sister were homeless and needed money. No mention of family.
Here’s the new line.
With th her sister being held as collateral by her supplier and being pressured to inform by police a drug mule must do one last run to save them both.
In v2 the stakes are clear – the sister’s life, the motivating event or inciting incident less so. The line “…With her sister being held as collateral…” sounds like her sister was captured and held by the bad guys before the story started, why not make the sister’s capture the event that starts off the story?
After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a drug mule must…
“…held as collateral…” is a given and therefore redundant in the logline, as is the part that states “…pressured by police…”. The police putting pressure on her is a subplot and the logline could do without it. If her primary goal is to save her sister, that is what the logline should focus on.
Ultimately whether desperate or not, the MC chose to become a drug mule in the first place. This means she is a bad person, her inner journey could be to overcome this and I think an element of irony could help elevate the concept. Why not make it clear that the supplier is threatening to kill the sister with an overdose of drugs? Then the MC will despise the entire drug trade, yet will be forced to partake in it in order to save someone she loves.
After her sister is kidnapped by her supplier a drug mule must undergo one last run in order to save her sister from a forced heroin overdose.