An underprivileged high school student must compromise his principles when he is taken under the wing of a corrupt businessman. However, as his pride gets the best of him, it ignites a battle of wits between mentor and protege.

The Mentorship

Adamu95 Penpusher Asked on June 13, 2015 in Public.
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3 Review(s)

This sounds interesting, but I think it’s unclear what the corrupt businessman is offering the student and what the battle of wits is over.

After accepting mentorship by a corrupt businessman, a poor but principled high school student’s pride ignites a battle of wits between the two over …

Default Reviewed on June 13, 2015.
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This draft of the logline raises too many questions and as a result is confusing.

Who is the MC?
What is their inciting incident?
What is their goal?

Why must he compromise? What is at stake? Why now? What is the inciting incident? Why would a corrupt businessman take anyone under his wing? What does pride getting the best of him mean what does it look like? A mentor for what? A protege for what? What can a corrupt businessman mentor a student in?

Hope this help.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on June 14, 2015.
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I repeat what is said in the previous comment, because is absolutely basic.

– clear inciting event
– clear MC
– clear goal

until all this is crystal clear you have to rewrite it again and again.

FFF Mentor Reviewed on June 14, 2015.
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