An unforgiving former marine must enter his own mind to confront an unmerciful government assassin hidden within his subconsciousness who’s threatening to leak top secret files if his demands to have full control of their body aren’t meet by his government creators.

Inner Conflict

Knightrider Mentor Asked on September 17, 2015 in SciFi.
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3 Review(s)

Hello,
I can’t picture where the main character and the assassin fight… what is the story world?

“their body”-> the marine’s body?

I recommend to put the inciting incident at the beginning:

“when a gouvernement assassin enters the mind of a former marine, the marine must enter his own mind to fight him for the control of his own body”.

If I understand correctly, It seems to me a very difficult movie to write, have you see Niccol ‘the host’ where 2 minds share the same body? The movie had a very poor response, It was too difficult to film this interior fight between the minds. I think also about “the cell” where a scientist must enter the mind of a serial killer to find where he’s keeping his victim. The story world is the ‘dream world” of the serial killer, a surreal environnement.

FFF Mentor Reviewed on September 17, 2015.
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Perhaps

To stop the leak of top secret files, an unforgiving former marine must enter his own subconscious to confront an unmerciful government assassin who threatens  to take  control of his body unless his demands are meet by his government creators.

Leon Davis Penpusher Reviewed on September 24, 2015.
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Setting aside filmability concerns for a moment (which could perhaps be addressed by using Inception ‘dreamworld’ type scenes to show the conflict between protag and antag)…

I don’t like ‘unforgiving’ as the main descriptor for the marine. Is he hardened, repressed, disillusioned, traumatized, etc.? Something like that would be a better description of his personality.

I think Leon’s suggested log line is structurally better. Instead of “top secret files,” shouldn’t it be “top secret information”? (which could be visualized as files in the movie, as in Inception.) Actually, the more I think of it the more it seems like a reverse Inception-type in which protag and antag are reversed (not necessarily a bad thing.)

steveylang Samurai Reviewed on September 25, 2015.
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