As a lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife's suicide, his emotions are at breaking point when the rapist responsible for her sorrow pleads for help.

Clemency

Andrew Bates Penpusher Asked on August 31, 2012 in Public.
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5 Review(s)

Intriguing! But I do think “pleads for help” is perhaps a bit too vague. I assume he pleads for help from the lifeguard, but how? Can you find some way of saying this that is more intriguing, without giving too much away? Also, “his emotions are at breaking point” reads a bit cliched.

jcotton Default Reviewed on September 1, 2012.
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Thanks jcotton

hows this…

As a lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife’s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach.

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on September 1, 2012.
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Wow, I think that’s much more powerful! Terrific.

jcotton Default Reviewed on September 2, 2012.
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Agreed – the revised logline reads much better! I can’t think of any way to improve that one, but how about this because the beginning sounds like he’s coping with her suicide while feeling conflicted about saving her rapist (at the same time). “A lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife’s suicide and his ethics are ultimately tested when her rapist is drowning on his watch.”

Maybe … maybe not?

Screenwriters Anonymous Default Reviewed on September 2, 2012.
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In the story it’s a chance encounter, not on his watch.
Thanks for all the feed back.

Andrew Bates Penpusher Reviewed on September 3, 2012.
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