Dean, a small-town charmer, bravely leaves his home for the bright lights of Los Angeles, only to be greeted by sex, lies and deceit. OR In pursuit of his dreams, can a small-town charmer overcome the temptations in a city he doesn’t belong in or will he become another casualty of L.A.?

Falling Stars

kconnor111 Penpusher Asked on February 13, 2013 in Public.
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7 Review(s)

The logline itself is good, but I’m not sure the concept is there. We have a small-town charmer (not sure what that is, maybe just a really suave man) who goes to Los Angelas to discover a city filled with sex, lies, and deceit (no surprise there). But what is the hook? I think we all know LA can be a dodgy place so why move there if it is a problem? I would think a small town charmer would be right at home in such a place. Thats just my opinion though. Try adding in some stipulations to make the logline more catchy 🙂

Meanwhile, keep the pen moving.

mmckean Default Reviewed on February 13, 2013.
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A charmer (someone usually associated with using sex lies and deceit to ‘charm’) bravely (??) leaves home and is greeted by a city of charmers. Where’s the story?

As for OR the answer is yes or no depends on what you decide to write. Right now I haven’t a clue and you haven’t given me enough to care.

Default Reviewed on February 13, 2013.
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Thanks sorry if it isn’t clear I have two ideas for the logline separated by the OR.

Default Reviewed on February 13, 2013.
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Thanks for pointing our charmer. It should actually be dreamer (he is a charmer but doesn’t know it), but dreamer is the best word. He is moving to LA to become an actor and escape from the small town redundancy (live his dreams basically). I had an agent review my first logline and I had the word actor in it (move to LA to become an actor) and she said NO ONE wants to make a show about actors so don’t put that in the logline. Since the acting aspect isn’t the main focus of the show, she said not to include it.

Thanks for the feedback. I’ll revise and repost.

kconnor111 Penpusher Reviewed on February 13, 2013.
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“Small town, meets big city, gets corrupted by a downward spiral of partying and drugs” is a very standard film concept.

There is nothing wrong with the fact this basic idea has been done, it’s just for your idea to work it needs a hook, something that makes it stand out.

Add a hook to the logline and it will be greatly improved.

Hope this works out for you, good luck.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on February 13, 2013.
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