Following the Nazi pillaging of her family’s treasures and their theft by a German youth, a destitute Dutch girl traces a mysterious red velvet pouch to Australia where, pursued by German agents, she recovers her family diamonds and falls for the thief’s grandson.

BLACK ICE

Leon Davis Logliner Asked on September 1, 2014 in Public.
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8 Review(s)

This logline has lots of unnecessary description and many details that don’t contribute to the plot progression.

This is what I was able to understand:
MC = girl
Flaw = ?
Inciting incident = Family being pillaged
Antagonist = ?
Goal = family diamonds or finding the owner of a red pouch
obstacle = several German agents
B plot = Love interest (thief’s grandson)
Period = ?

Without a flaw she becomes a generic MC and seam to lack depth more so without an antagonist in this story in particular the main action seams to fall in a random manner rather than a dedicated effort.

More to that point because the period is unclear the reader can’t tell if this is happening now or during WW2. What this means is the inciting incident could occur during WW2 (mention of Nazi’s pillaging) but then the MC falls for the thief’s grandson happens years later. Which means the inciting incident doesn’t happen to the MC or even in a linear time frame to the rest of the story.

Lastly regarding the goal it is not clear whether she wants to find the family diamonds or the owner of the mysterious red pouch.

Without a clear inciting incident well defined flaw an antagonist a clearly single goal and a understood period setting I’m not entirely sure what this story is about.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on September 1, 2014.
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As Nir Shelter said. It is difficult to get a handle on the essence of the story.

And some elements don’t seem to make sense. She’s destitute but can afford to travel to Australia? The family jewels are stolen by a German “youth” — and then she falls in love with his “grandson”??

dpg Singularity Reviewed on September 2, 2014.
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Following the Nazi pillaging of her family’s treasures and the theft by a young German conscript of a mysterious red velvet pouch a vengeful Dutch girl, decades later, traces it to the thief’s sister in Australia where she seduces the son to lead her to the pouch and her family diamonds.

She is destitute and borrows the airfare.
Thanks for your time.

Default Reviewed on September 2, 2014.
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Following the Nazi pillaging of her family’s treasures and the theft by a young German conscript of a mysterious red velvet pouch a vengeful Dutch girl, decades later, traces it to the thief’s sister in Australia where she seduces the son to lead her to the pouch and her family diamonds.

Thank you so muvh for your time.

Default Reviewed on September 2, 2014.
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So. The protagonist is a woman.

Her objective goal seems to be to recover family jewels stolen by the Nazis way back when in WWII.

Who is her principal antagonist NOW, in the present? A neo-Nazi descendant of a Nazi? (How long after WW2 does the plot commence? How many 1st generation Nazi’s would still be alive?)

And why she is struggling to do this so many decades after WWII? Why didn’t she pursue this earlier? IOW: What is the inciting incident that makes (or enables) her to pursue the jewels NOW?

And what’s at stake? What does she stand to lose if she fails? She’s already destitute: how much worse can her plight become? Also what is at stake morally as well as materially?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on September 3, 2014.
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