Her birthright stolen and burdened with a fear of the water a Dutch woman dives in a submersible and races a powerboat through mountainous seas to silence her German tormentors and defeat her own demons. The third and last in the trilogy. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Black Ice – The Catch

Leon Davis Penpusher Asked on September 1, 2014 in Public.
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4 Review(s)

You have to read it through too many times to make heads or tails of what the story is about. This is a really bad sign for what is meant to be a single sentence that gives the reader the basic concept and conflict of your story.

It’s also very vague.

What is the event that forces her to take this action so drastically at odds with who she is? It must be massive, right? For someone afraid of water to react to something by jumping in a submersible then a powerboat? What is ‘her birthright’ and how has it been ‘stolen’?

Can seas BE mountainous?

If these Germans are so far away, in what manner have they been tormenting her? And what information are they going to reveal that she has to silence them? What are the stakes, and what is the hurry?

Are her country of origin and her gender really the most crucial and relevant descriptors of her as a character?

I can’t even suggest how I think this should be re-written because from my perspective the story is too broken.

nicholasandrewhalls Penpusher Reviewed on September 5, 2014.
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Burdened with a dread of the water and pursued by murderous German agents the victim of a war-time atrocity races a powerboat through mountainous seas to recover her stolen affluence.

Default Reviewed on September 9, 2014.
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>> to recover her stolen affluence.

So she is as greedy as the Nazi’s were, but because she wasn’t a Nazi, we in the audience will automatically root for her?

I just finished the Stieg Lasson trilogy about the heroine Lisbeth Salander, the girl with the dragon tattoo. She’s fighting to prove she’s mentally competent, and if she succeeds, she can inherit a fair amount of money. (And she’s got the hacking skills to steal all she wants)

But her struggle to prove she’s mentally competent has nothing to do with money. She’s fighting to prove her mental competence in order to win her freedom and bring the guilty to justice.

Freedom and justice. Not material gain. That’s why the audience roots for her.

dpg Singularity Reviewed on September 9, 2014.
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Burdened by a fear of the water and pursued by Nazi agents who trace her wealth, a Dutch woman recovers her stolen diamonds and escapes through mountainous seas to re-claim her birthright.

Default Reviewed on September 27, 2014.
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