In the midst of his hired kill, a Hitman is visited by his drug abused Uncle and learns the essence of life through his six-year-old daughter.
A logline should not be about “life lessons learned” — that’s a subjective goal arising from an internal need. A logline should focus on the external goal, what the main character needs to accomplish as a result of the inciting incident.
So, as a result of being visited by his uncle — the inciting incident — what must the hitman do? What become his objective goal? Who opposes him? What are the urgent stakes?
I don’t agree with DPG whose advice matches with action movies (which is not exactly yours, unless I’m mistaken).
IMO, you already have what you need in a logline (explicitement or implicitement):
– a catalyst (the visit of the uncle)
– a hero (the hitman)
– a flaw (he’s a villain)
– an antagonist (his uncle and maybe his daughter)
– an external goal (kill his next victim)
– an obstacle/problem to solve (the visit of his drug abused uncle)
– Something at stakes (his reputation and security and maybe his daughter)
– a mentor (his 6 year old daughter)
– an inner goal (a way to redemption?)
– an arc… (which doesn’t mean he necessarily will changes of job. In a Tarantino’s movie, he would not hahaha!)
Is this lesson about life the manner how his 6 year old daughter deals with his uncle’s addiction and some other consideration about their mutual relation? or something similar?
If so, I find your logline good.
“When a hitman is visited by his drug abused Uncle in the midst of a kill, he is given a chance to learn the essence of life through his six-year-old daughter.”
“When a hitman is visited by his drug abused Uncle in the midst of a kill, he is given a lesson about the essence of life through his six-year-old daughter.”