Joseph, a wealthy but ailing patriarch organises a family gathering and announces that he intends to take his life at its conclusion. He asks his offspring for forgiveness for his past deeds and it is up to his favoured son David to unite the warring factions of the family and have them accept the apologies of his father before he passes away.

Nembutal and Brandy

SDMann Penpusher Asked on August 8, 2013 in Public.
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2 Review(s)

Hi,

Ive had a go at condensing your logline as it was a tad long. This is just an example of how you could reduce it down. Obviously you’ll want to adjust it to your story.

The son of a bitter wealthy man is forced to reunite his warring family and garner their forgiveness in order to gain an inheritance once their father passes.

Thanks

wilsondownunder Default Reviewed on August 8, 2013.
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Aside from general no-nos when it comes to loglining (way too long, confused who your protagonist is, you identify characters by name), the problem that I see is that there are no STAKES for your protagonist to complete his goal. Why does he care whether the family is bickering over their inheritance or not? As Blake Synder says, it needs to be primal! So what is the primal urge, what are the stakes of failure, for your protagonist?

nicholasandrewhalls Penpusher Reviewed on August 9, 2013.
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