Plebe year just got worse for two military college cadets who stumble upon a plot by Cuban Americans to assassinate the President in retaliation for his normalizing relations with Cuba. It isn’t until minutes before the killing is to begin that the cadets discover what’s happening and race to stop the assassins’ plan from succeeding.

    Plebe Year

    stumptown Penpusher Asked on January 15, 2015 in Public.
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    6 Review(s)

      How about you talk about the discovery and the ticking clock in the same sentence and save words. Something like “just minutes before Cubans assassinate the president the plot is discovered by two plebe year military cadets. They have just minutes….” You get the idea. Less words gives a feeling of pace, so trim this even more. Pace is important for an Acton film.

      CraigDGriffiths Summitry Reviewed on January 15, 2015.
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        What about: “When two cadets uncover a plot to assassinate the President, they must race against time to stop her murder.”

        gdawg23 Default Reviewed on January 16, 2015.
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          As mentioned above less is more you have an action packed compelling premise here but you just need to trim the logline down to deliver the sense of urgency.

          “Plebe year just got worse for…” sounds like a marketing hook no need for it in the logline.

          “…in retaliation for his normalizing relations with Cuba…” in this instance the antagonists motivation is not necessary, let an assassin be an assassin and do what he or she does in your story.

          “…It isn’t until minutes before the killing is to begin…” could be changed into “…hours before…” give your film a plausible scope otherwise you would be stretching a few minutes into 2 hours.

          “…from succeeding.” redundant stopping the assassins implies this.

          Reserve the wordy and colourful descriptions for the synopsis or treatment and use only the crucial elements of the story in the logline.

          my try:
          When two military cadets discover a plot to assassinate the president they have two hours to stop the killers.

          I would also add that it would be great if you could add in an obstacle or character flaw for your main characters. This is a dual protagonist plot and that also needs attention and justification, why are there two and not one cadet? Why is the story about two main characters more interesting than one? Are they brothers, twins, owe a blood debt to each other?

          Hope this helps.

          Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on January 16, 2015.
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          Thanks for the notes, Nir. This is very useful stuff. I just posted a new attempt at this, but I think I’m still not getting it. Back to the drawing board.

          Default Reviewed on February 11, 2015.
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