Responsible for the death of his son, a father tries to explain his actions leading up to the tragedy before taking his own life.
I’m not thrilled with the line, “…a father tries to explain his actions leading up to the tragedy”
In the words of Yoda, “do or do not, there is no try.”
“Responsible for the death of his son, a father recounts his actions leading to the tragedy before taking his own life.”
Since the logline is short enough, I would consider adding who he’s recounting the events too and for what purpose. (Unless that spoils the ending)
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Explaining his actions is not as interesting as seeing his actions. What is it he must do? Beg for forgiveness, make amends, etc… if so from who?
The story is not clear because the character is not in motion to achieve a goal.
Secondly what is his obstacle? He can explain his actions any time to any one with out any thing stopping him. What is the source of his struggle to achieve the goal? What will make his story interesting is a clear obstacle standing in his way.
Hope this helps.
RichieV – I’m not too thrilled with it either, I just wanted to get it all “out there”.
He’s recounting his story to the ghost of his dead son, although the audience is meant to work this out somewhere along the way, the purpose of the father telling the story is to talk himself into suicide.
I can’t 100% explain it because I haven’t quite got it in my head what I’m trying to do – I can “see” it, but I’m not sure if I can write it.
It’s only meant to be a short piece, which is why I’m trying to imply that it’s about the dialogue and not the actions themselves – a soliloquy of sorts, but with something different – not a “twist”.
I guess his obstacle is himself / his own doubt, which will be revealed in the conversation.
I’m hoping a lack of a clear obstacle, apart from taking place on top of a building, will force an audience to pay attention to the dialogue.