Seduced by wealth and power, an ambitious high school student finds himself as an accessory to his mentor's growing list of financial crimes. When greed and paranoia start to sink in, it pits both men against each other in a high stakes battle of wits.

The Mentorship

Adamu95 Penpusher Asked on June 20, 2015 in Public.
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3 Review(s)

It is clear that the main character is the high school student this is good, but what does he want specifically? And what specifically makes him want it?

The lack of specificity in the logline reduces interest as the concept sounds vague. Descriptions such as “Seduced by wealth and power…” and “…high stakes battle of wits.” are too vague to be effective in a logline because they don’t tell the reader what are the starting and end points of the story.
What is the MC’s goal and what is the inciting incident?

In addition the logline literally tells the reader that there will be “…high stakes…” but doesn’t describe how or in what way. These should be intrinsically understood from the premise not literally worded in the logline.

Hope this helps.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on June 21, 2015.
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“When an ambitious student finds himself as an accessory to his mentor’s financial crimes”, then what happens exactly? He must fight his mentor to clean his own reputation and/or steal the mentor’s business to get rich?

FFF Mentor Reviewed on June 22, 2015.
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This is a great starting point for a really interesting idea.

Clint Cure Penpusher Reviewed on June 23, 2015.
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