The chronicles of Nomar Kendrapall, the dying emperor of a crumbling galactic empire, as he struggles to maintain control while his sociopathic son hatches Machiavellian schemes to usurp the throne, his rivals jockey for power, and an alien empire threatens to re-ignite an interstellar war.

Dark Empire

martinreese Penpusher Asked on March 24, 2013 in Public.
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6 Review(s)

Your last logline attempt—

“The dying emperor of a crumbling galactic empire struggles to hold onto power midst his son’s machinations and the threat of war against a rival alien empire.”

—Is much better, it says the same thing but with less words.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on March 24, 2013.
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Information overload !!

As Richiev said, your last logline was vastly better and had the punch of a great hook // story..

Never use a name(s) unless its for a well known historical figure ie. Lincoln..
Keep the concept simple and unique, don’t overdo.. You had us at hello the first time !!

Happy writing 😀

Tor

Tor Dollhouse Default Reviewed on March 24, 2013.
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I agree with both of the above comments. The last logline was engaging and precisely said what was needed whereas this one is over complicated and confusing.

Greg_Barnett Default Reviewed on March 24, 2013.
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Agree with the two above. So, in regards to the earlier logline:

The dying emperor of a crumbling galactic empire struggles to hold onto power midst his son’s machinations and the threat of war against a rival alien empire.”

Is the crux of the story that his power hungry son is trying to wrestle away control of the empire? I think maybe just a re-shuffling of the wording to clarify this. “To struggle” is not a particularly compelling action for a protagonist to take. What specifically does he need to do to stop the take over, and why? If he’s dying, he’s gonna have to hand over the reigns at some point. Is it because his son is Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator?

I like the premise – Star Wars meets Shakespeare. Is the Empire evil, or is that something I’m projecting onto the story?

nicholasandrewhalls Penpusher Reviewed on March 24, 2013.
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Thanks to all. i really appreciate the comments.

martinreese Penpusher Reviewed on March 25, 2013.
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