After his daughter is kidnapped, 48 hours before her heart surgery, a struggling stand-up comic must complete his contract to raise the ransom money.
What will he do to get the money? This is the all important question, the answer to which can make this an interesting story.
The logline uses too many words to describe minor or irrelevant detail. The line “…before her time is up…” is redundant, it’s clear that her time is running out seeing as she was kidnapped 48 hours before her heart surgery. The first sentence can be reduced in length and made to sound like an event rather than a situation: After his daughter is kidnapped, two days before her hear surgery, a struggling stand-up comic must….
How will he get the money? By completing his contract so he can get paid, so he can pay the ransom.
I like the dilemma the comedian is placed in, the ticking clock adds urgency, but I’m not sure on some of the details. Maybe it’s just me, but ‘struggling’ suggests a comedian who’s not making much money to begin with. So how is that he would have a contract sufficiently lucrative to pay off a ransom? And pay for the operation? (Does the story take place in a country with universal health care?)
Why can’t it just be straight kidnapping for ransom and if he’s doesn’t pay up in 48 hours she will be executed? What if he were a ‘struggling’ comedian who had 48 hours to pay off a sadistic loan shark?
As I said, I think it’s an interesting dilemma, but I suggest it may need a polish.
I think that what the author means is that the stand up comedian must do his show and be funny to raise the money in a moment where he’s angry and sad. I think the logline could be improuved focusing on the actions of the comedian: what -visually- the plot will be about? I personally don’t think the ransom is well connected to the comedian world and I can’t understand the mood of the movie – a comedy or a drama?
The author specifically tagged the movie as a drama. (Although I think it could also work as a black comedy.)
The idea that makes the premise interesting to me is the play on the meaning of the word “kill”. “Kill” is the word comedians use when they have a good performance, when they have the audience laughing themselves silly. As in: “Did you hear the laughter? I killed out there. tonight.” So what if a struggling comedian is placed in a situation where it’s “kill “or be killed? He has to kill (metaphorically) in his performance or be killed (literally) afterwards?
But that’s not the exactly how the premise is structured. But that’s what my mind keeps coming back to.