The most legendary and recognizable singing slave in al-Andalus hires an adventuring Norman to steal the Caliph’s prize possession, herself.

MarcosSamarco Penpusher Asked on December 28, 2015 in Adventure.
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3 Review(s)

This logline contains unclear details that make it a confusing read.

What is a singing slave?
One can imagine it to be a person forced to sing. However, this is written in such a way that it implies that singing slaves are common place enough for the description to be clear on its own when it actually isn’t.

What is “…an adventuring Norman…”?
Is it a person called Norman that has set off on an adventure? If so, what adventure and why? Is a Norman a nationality, i.e a person who belongs to a society called the Norms?

“…The Caliph…” implies that the reader knows who and what the Caliph is, but they don’t. What or who is the Caliph?

Lastly it reads as if the main character is the slave, but the main action is taken by the Norman character. If the main character is the Norman one, then the order of the descriptions needs to change. Otherwise if it is the slave, then best to make him or her carry out the main action.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on December 28, 2015.

Thanks, Nir.  This is very helpful. I will be more descriptive in revision.

on December 30, 2015.

Just thought it would be helpful to mention this at a re draft stage of the logline.

The details in the logline are obscure as a result of them being named, this doesn’t necessarily mean that the obscurity needs to be clarified via descriptions, rather by use of their function.

For example instead of stating “…the Caliph…” describe him as the Muslim spiritual leader.

on December 30, 2015.
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Only if  this logline is targeted to a Muslim production company  is it likely that a reader will understand that al-Andalus refers to the historical period  of the Muslim domination of  Spain.  That the risk for the ‘adventurous Norman’ is enhanced by his status as a  ‘kafir’ — a  non-believer [a rival Catholic].

The logline has the ingredients for plenty of conflict and jeopardy, but it would benefit from a clearer statement of when and where the story takes place.

Who is the main character, the singing slave or the Norman?

And what’s her motivation for wanting to stage a kidnapping?   Yes, she’s a slave, so one would deduce she wants her freedom.  But  the story would benefit from a stronger motivation, a sense of urgency. Why does she NEED to be kidnapped NOW? Could it be that a deadline is approaching for a loveless marriage? Or that she has been compelled to become a  sex slave, a concubine to a cruel master?

dpg Singularity Reviewed on December 29, 2015.

Thanks, dpg. This is extremely helpful.

on December 30, 2015.
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I am left wondering ‘Why’.  What is the slave wanting to achieve?

Sounds like an interesting start, but I am unsure of what the story is.

CraigDGriffiths Summitry Reviewed on December 29, 2015.

Thanks, Craig. I will work on this some more.

on December 30, 2015.
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