The most legendary and recognizable singing slave in al-Andalus hires an adventuring Norman to steal the Caliph’s prize possession, herself.
This logline contains unclear details that make it a confusing read.
What is a singing slave?
One can imagine it to be a person forced to sing. However, this is written in such a way that it implies that singing slaves are common place enough for the description to be clear on its own when it actually isn’t.
What is “…an adventuring Norman…”?
Is it a person called Norman that has set off on an adventure? If so, what adventure and why? Is a Norman a nationality, i.e a person who belongs to a society called the Norms?
“…The Caliph…” implies that the reader knows who and what the Caliph is, but they don’t. What or who is the Caliph?
Lastly it reads as if the main character is the slave, but the main action is taken by the Norman character. If the main character is the Norman one, then the order of the descriptions needs to change. Otherwise if it is the slave, then best to make him or her carry out the main action.
Only if this logline is targeted to a Muslim production company is it likely that a reader will understand that al-Andalus refers to the historical period of the Muslim domination of Spain. That the risk for the ‘adventurous Norman’ is enhanced by his status as a ‘kafir’ — a non-believer [a rival Catholic].
The logline has the ingredients for plenty of conflict and jeopardy, but it would benefit from a clearer statement of when and where the story takes place.
Who is the main character, the singing slave or the Norman?
And what’s her motivation for wanting to stage a kidnapping? Yes, she’s a slave, so one would deduce she wants her freedom. But the story would benefit from a stronger motivation, a sense of urgency. Why does she NEED to be kidnapped NOW? Could it be that a deadline is approaching for a loveless marriage? Or that she has been compelled to become a sex slave, a concubine to a cruel master?