Three non-criminals out of pocket and out of luck hold up a convenient store to earn some much needed money.

DC_33 Penpusher Asked on September 30, 2015 in Comedy.
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3 Review(s)

I think its convenience without the T. I think you could heighten the stakes here. I like the use of ‘out of pocket’ and ‘out of luck’.
Happy writing.
M

mariechanel Penpusher Reviewed on September 30, 2015.
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Hello,

maybe you can include some kind of opponent and a better characterization for the 3 ‘non-ciminals’. What happens? some details? The rob the store, so what? In this kind of movie you can’t count only on funny dialogues.

I suggest you to take a step back and try to fit a standar logline format, just to check if you have everything you need to fuel a whole movie :
When [a major event happens: the inciting event that put the story in motion], [the Hero] must [do the main action], to win [his goal].

FFF Mentor Reviewed on September 30, 2015.
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The above review is true – there are no stakes here.  Out of money, aren’t we all?  What makes them different?  Also, I would avoid “non-criminals”.  (Maybe upstanding citizens?)  When I read it, my eyes only saw criminal, so I thought it’s just three criminals holding up a convenience store.  It sounds a little like The Full Monty, a movie that I love.  And the friends all had different reasons for doing what they did.  If we know their motivation, we can forgive their bad deed.  More irony and a little more insight into why they need this money would go a long way.  Keep us posted?

sloanpeterson Logliner Reviewed on October 2, 2015.
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