To solve the puzzle of her family disappearance, a fraud investigator must find out the truth about her father who masterminded an international criminal heist

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Corridor One (cont.)

corridorone Penpusher Asked on September 11, 2015 in Public.
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To solve the puzzle of her family disappearance, a fraud investigator must find out the truth about her father who masterminded an international criminal heist

corridorone Penpusher Reviewed on September 13, 2015.
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I like the irony of a “fraud investigator” having to use her skills of investigation and deceit to track down a criminal father.  There is a potential character redemption arc here that could elevate the story above being just a cross between “Focus” and “The Italian Job” (or “Oceans Eleven”?).

I don’t have a problem with the apparent convolution of plot elements as this is right in keeping with many contemporary screen stories – such as ‘Mission Impossible’ movies, “Focus”,  “The Mentalist”, “Persons of Interest”, even “Terminator: Genisys” and ‘Avengers/Ultron’.

My main issue with the logline [which is apparently an improvement from one or two past] is that the daughter/investigator needs a more compelling motive than simply to resolve a “puzzle”.  Was she expecting a cut of the profits?  Has she done a deal with the FBI to get off charges against her?  Is her daughter or mother being held hostage by a crime lord (or even third world dictator or  black ops mercenary company) who wants the heist back in their hands?  Any of these more dramatic pushes or pulls – especially with a ‘ticking clock’ implied – would make the character motivation (and therefore story concept) stronger and more engaging.

Steven.

Steven Fernandez Penpusher Reviewed on October 8, 2015.
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Time to start dropping words. “To fit together the pieces of a….” Could be “To solve…”

Dissidence isn’t really needed, in my opinion. The puzzle isn’t a character, so you don’t really need to give much depth.

CraigDGriffiths Overlord Reviewed on September 13, 2015.
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I don’t know if anybody has said this, but the biggest ‘elephant’ in your logline is your insistence in including the location. Take it out, it’s not important to the story at all.

And stretching it out to ‘fit together the pieces blah blah blah’ just say ‘solve the puzzle’, there is no Oscar category for best convolution in a logline.

‘To find out the truth about her father, a fr

Lucius Paisley Logliner Reviewed on September 13, 2015.
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I don’t know if anybody has said this, but the biggest ‘elephant’ in your logline is your insistence in including the location. Take it out, it’s not important to the story at all.

And stretching it out to ‘fit together the pieces blah blah blah’ just say ‘solve the puzzle’, there is no Oscar category for best convolution in a logline.

‘To find out the truth about her father, a fraud investigator must solve the puzzle behind an international criminal heist’ or some such.

More thriller, less filler…

Lucius Paisley Logliner Reviewed on September 13, 2015.
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